the life I am living today

I sit here in southern california looking off into the cloudy sky. Half blinded because of my new reading glasses. I must remember to take them off when I look into the distance...where I can actually see.

I've been dealing with headaches for long periods of time. I spend a lot of time in front of the computer. Writing, reading, staring...I have not given my eyes a break. When i'd sit and read a book my eyes would bounce around the page as if they were afraid to focus on one spot at one time. I thought maybe it was the pollution coming from the Los Angeles area i've been living in. I could see. I could read. so whats the big deal?

I saw the eye doctor and he said i've been trying too hard. The muscles in my eyes have been overworking their little selves. With only me to blame. Maybe the fact that I am regularly stoned forced my eyes to work 10x harder.

Although I do not know when the straining of my eye muscles started. I do know that its not only my eyes that have been trying too hard. My heart and my mind overwork all day long. Many things are happening around me that remind me of why i'm here with myself. I've taken it upon myself to be that true bitter martyr because I'm thinking too much.

Have you ever had thoughts in your head that you trusted so much that it hurt. Whatever happened to that feeling inside me that made me crazy with love. That feeling that I didn't care to think about. I've walked through some flames, but i've approached most of them with a team of experts inside me. Ones that sit in my brain with their protractors, rulers, compasses and calculators making sure that every step I take has the right answer.

Sometimes I dont think when I should. Sometimes I dont feel when the time is right.

One of my house mates is going through an interesting time. Honestly she freaks herself out because she never knows what her boyfriend is doing when they're not together and it drives her mad! Something that almost killed me once. I long for this feeling and I fear it like the plague. I understand what it is to lose trust, to lose something you care about.

I've always wanted to be with someone. I dont want marriage but I'd like some sort of commitment.

I've been sitting in one spot hoping to fall in love with someone that loves me back. I've been straining my heart because i've thought myself out of love so many times. I'm better off alone. I've got a career I need to focus on. All thoughts that come from my head but make my heart feel like it said it. What my heart says is true but my mind has learned to throw its voice...I guess.

I feel as if I need to not recognize anything, not think about anything. Because thinking used to protect me, but then it hurt be when it left. Which is why balancing your thoughts and feelings is necessary. This is what I tell myself...but what part of me is supposed to listen.

Today is a day like any other. Not really

Ah today. I haven't talked to you in a while and I've kept my distance because I was in a very angry space. Funny how life does that to you. Now I'm feeling a lot better. Things seem to be going my way, the way they always do. Especially with a passion in my heart like mine.

I have written many things. Many of them sit in a box in my parents storage. Many of them sit with me on this computer. But one in particular. A journey of a girl. A thought provoking piece of a girl living life. The way she needs it to be. The raw reality of trying to survive in unknown territory. Exploring what we do not know within ourselves.

This story is getting published. This story is leaving the box. Jumping onto that fast moving train south to where the sun shines so that it can live on forever. Although I don't expect everything I can only hope for something. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel as if I will no longer just write to loved ones and friends. Instead I get to feel what its like to give my story a life of its own. Its not under my wing. It is not under my control what happens to it. Although I will have to do a lot of my own pushing. I am excited.

I am excited to feel insecure and who knows what? I'm excited to not know what is going to happen next. My life has always been like that but now one of my babies gets to go somewhere I have never been. I don't want to think about this one. I want to let my mind go. I've been so full of thoughts that I just think myself into a dark place, in and out of good things. I want a happy give and take of my thoughts and feelings on this. One can anticipate the other, ebb and flow together. Because this is clearly unchartered waters for me. And I'm excited to feel what I think when I'm going through this journey.

Today is like any other. Not because I've done it before or thought about this for a long time. But because I can actually feel again. My heart softens and opens.

breathe. listen. sigh.)