Saying goodbye

Marijuana has been my best friend since I was 14... All other friends were there, but this one was the one that saved my life.

I had seizures as I think I mentioned. A few months prior I quit smoking. Something I did once before, but I had no responsibilities. I lived a simple life. Now. With so many choices, so many things going on, a new love, a new life, an old life a past that needs to no longer be mourned and a future to be taken on...did I mention I'm in my Saturn return?

So I had these seizures..what a trip...memory loss, pain. Lots of it. Love...wow most amazing person I know with the kindest heart that I fell in love with so safely and easily. But a little rough around the edges...but didn't I always say French canadians were rough around the edges! Whistler people would know what I'm talking about.

My life had never been so stressful. I've been stressed! But I've been stoned and no responsibilities. I was young. Now I'm 27..time to see what no longer serves me. This is what Saturn is telling all of us.

The meds they put me on made me dull, lost, mindless, emotionless to an extent...now I'm coming down off one...mynlife has seriously changed...dude,) now all of a sudden I have my emotions, my crazy has returned. I don't know what to do with it. I have someone else to think about, you hear that all the time when people have babies. But you don't hear about it when talking about love! Because I think about them everyday! A different kind I guess. Now I have to find a. Job. One which is not my old ones. Hmmm how fucking hard is this. I say I could do anything...but I feel stuck...I can't. Live somewhere I thought I was running away from. Now I'm forced to face my past...and my future all at once! Is it because I'm 27 that this is happening? Is that you Saturn? Omg.

Wait...why did I seizure? Stress! Breathe. Remember you don't want to take another medley of pharms...so.

I smoked a joint today. Ease. Relax..pain gone. Emotions calmed...
Of course then comes the clenching and such that I hated before. Of course.

Coffee and weed. My best friends...I can't call you that anymore. I need to face the insanity. I have to be human again.

Sigh...

Where is my inhaler?

.)

Read if you want it has an I love about you at the end

I've been dizzy all day. Even as I sit I feel like the ground might flip to the ceiling. Leaving me half way between falling and fallen. The waves are hitting the shore. There is a flower outside that smells like you. I knew this would be hard. I'm sleeping in a bed that would fit the two of us perfectly, the way you'd make all beds if you had your way. Just right. Like the three bears. Although no bears just bear hugs and things just right. There is a pillow beside me that feels like it's meant for a pregnant woman. Reminds me of that jennifer Lopez movie you bought. I smile.

Oh how life brings us these things.

I didn't want to watch the sunset because my eyes are full of tears in protest of your absence...or mine...I think it may be both.

I thought about how one leaves their past behind? Do we ever really..I know we can and will learn from it but can it be left at the side of the road like a piece of Kleenex that falls out of the car when you step out. Never seen again? Maybe you see other pieces everywhere you go. But will you ever see that one again...i know it's impossible to leave it like that. I've never been one to abandon anything in my past. It makes it harder to live if I just leave it somewhere.

I thought about how to live in the now and create a future. First I asked what is future? Who, where, when, why, how, what...everything. When I managed to create the list in my head I knew what I had to do. In order to do this this and this with that and mostly YOU. I'm going to have to do this this and this with mostly that and no YOU...I cried tears.

No you?!

Who are you?

Good question. You're the sun in my sky, the light in my eyes, the fresh air in my nostrils, the warm liquid in my belly...the love in my heart...all the little things of 'awesome' you could ever imagine. That who YOU is.

You has to be in my everything. You is my everything. I want you in my life so badly I need you. It's not the idea of you that gets me excited to breathe the air it's knowing you, being with you, seeing you, loving you, truly loving you. The idea is a great idea, but i'm not just looking for a great idea. I have many of those. I'm looking for a reality. In order to have a reality I have to face a reality.

Well what is this reality?

Take what you have learned from the past and relearn it over and over again.
The things that follow you from behind won't go away until you confront them. That means you may have to feel the pain of losing something or someone, or everything.
Who you think you are isn't always what you should be thinking, it's what you feel.
Love who you love, although not all loves are the truest of loves they're still real...and you'll know when the true ones come along. It's hard to miss.

Well now that I'm facing the things behind me I feel a distance growing between the true love that I have found. In order to make YOU the reality I am looking for I must face the things I'm facing today. I may face them by losing you. But I'm not a quitter when it comes to true YOU. I'm not going to stop loving you.

As silly song comes to my head.. Everything I do, I do it for you!
Good ol'brian Adams.


Anyhow. My thoughts before I sleep. I need to get some. Dr's orders,)

I LOVE THAT YOU BRING SONGS TO MY HEAD