Blue room

My room is blue. It makes me blue.

The night is young.

Today was a new day. I had a choice. A choice to learn what I needed to say. Learn the stuff that would help me grow. Ask the questions that were unanswered. May have been forever before I learned the truth which in and of itself is a form of holding onto someone. Not communicating.

I shared my weakness by not letting go. Things were hard to accept when you're left unwatered, you dont have a chance to grow.

I killed a plant. It was a sign. A sign of happiness outside our mind. We hide from sadness in one another. Only to find we've lost each other.

Tomorrow is a new day, with distance and space. The space to breathe the air that couldn't be faced.

Although it meant pushing. I was already pushed to the edge. I needed some solid ground to learn how to turn around.

Us meant two people. Not one. Think of all the fun. The times that were clear we were meant to be near.

Now we are not. That is ok. The talk had to be had. Its our future, our way.

I'm sad. Extremely. But I'm happy. I'm happy to say. I'm happy for you, please love yourself and find your way.

Please don't stop loving yourself.

bye

First night

I love this song.

Burial - Archangel

Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you

Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong

Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong


Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong

Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong

Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong

It's not why I trust you trust if I trust you
If I trust you if I trust you if I trust you
If I trust you if I trust you if I trust you
If I trust you trust

Tell me I belong
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong
Holding you holding you holding you

Morning

The way to keep a healthy happy mind is to do things. HA. whodda thunk.

I have to try to stop rhyming. It started yesterday on my last post. But its crazy to think in rhymes all the time. Although fun. its a bit much. but yesterday was just one of those days.

Today its yoga early am. After I was finally able to sleep last night. I am up early and on my way to yoga. yessss

Then I'm leaving on a jet plane. Dont know when I"ll be back again. But i'll be here ready to pounce thats a matter of fact. Just South on a road so windy and dry where the sea splashes up to the sky.

ok.
If anyone is listening...doesn't really matter. thanks for being a great outlet. Tori Amos.

love

You treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough

I tried to say
To not consume me in that way
I don't want to see my fears in you
No way.

Future is important
But our present is today
You are my love my only
Forgive me for being so gay

When I wake I think of you
You and only you
Clearly I'm madly
In love with you

I chose my life
I chose my way
Let me have a chance
Let me have a say

I'm never letting go
Of something so great
You can have your time
Oh but I will wait

Today is the day
That I am going away
For fear of bringing out
Something you'll never let stay

I wish and pray
That you'll let me in one day
Maybe not tomorrow
But maybe in some way

What we shared is real
It's something that can last
Although we struggle for independence
We must forgive our past

You are my shadow
My reflection so clear
When I dont see you
I know you are near

I love me

Debussy: suite bergamasque, L75 - clair de lune

Smile. For life is a gift. Love is a treat and companionship is a meal. Feed your soul. Rest your eyes. I believe.

Recently communication has been breaking down all around me. For months it never existed. In so many people's lives. Then we're left standing in the middle of a desert listening to Debussy or goreki's symphony #3- opus 36. Imagine a helicopter shot, circling a young girl. Her hand extended, a tear falling from her eye.
She holds a key in her left hand and a book in the right. Leave her alone, something tells you. The book has a drawing on it. You are drawn to the book. The book opens to show the subconscious past, a place where all your trauma and fears lie. A place of reminders, a strong powerful place, you've never been able to express.

You want to protect the girl. Take her from this place, hold her tight and tell her not to cry. Feed her soul...but you're afraid. Because she holds the key, the past, your fears. You walk away only to find yourself in the same place you came from, only you're the only one standing in the desert alive. bodies surround you with bleeding hearts. They look familiar to you, people you know, they just lay there. Abandoned, much like yourself. Nobody to heal their bleeding hearts.

Turn. Run as fast as you can. Faster and faster. Until a voice stops you and tells you it will be alright. I've been in your shoes. You sigh. You're not alone. As the years go on you end up standing in front of the child again. Scared, fearful, alone. The child opens her arms to welcome you. You run.

Life is changing. Its wonderful.

So i've been looking through one of my writing books. I tend to not finish a book before i start another. So i always have to go back and fill it in again...ahhhh. I came across one piece of writing that I remember writing so well. I dont remember why I wrote it. but it is exactly what i need right now. EXACTLY!

Check it out.

When you've lived with addiction, you learn some skills that set you apart. You learn to cover your ass. You learn to keep drugs close for strengthening purposes. You learn to recognize human behaviour. Never shut things off or shut someone out.

Remember human behaviour and know you can't change what we are. human. Recognize what is ours and only ours, and keep the bad from affecting others. Know you can't bring others into your hate, anger or security blanket. Even if they are willing. Its not fair. Its not fair to keep someone close on your own terms. You're only hurting them and in the end your terms wont be met.

Be honest. Show people who you are and who you could be. Good and bad. The ones with love will take that and work with it beside you to overcome or achieve. The ones with fear will push you away not understanding that being human is what makes you who you are. They will also keep you around maybe for a sense of control, for lack of a better word.

The ones with hate will throw you out. No matter how much you love them or they love you. You're not alive to them. No matter if you're a good person. They aren't human. But we're all human;)

be happy with who you are and what you've got. Even if you dont have anything there is a chance you could lose it.

Weird is a term often used to disregard. Forgetting to understand and educate.

Education is key. Life, books, school, death, drugs, hate, love, fear. Are all ways to learn. Learn what you will tolerate and challenge those limits.

Recognize hate and remove it from your actions.

Sharing is caring. Never hide from what you are, who you are or what you've done. Remember other peoples limits, respect and challenge them.

Dont sit by and let people hurt others. Stand up for the ones who nee help and can't help themselves. Its a sad world where people get cast aside. In this world, "Survival of the fittest." be the fittest and help the unfit.

Make goals. Achieve goals. Break goals. Only to figure out you can make more.

Believe in yourself and others. Trust everyone and no one. Except the people that are closest to you that you want to push away. They deserve your trust because they out of anyone have something you need to believe.

Selfishness is good and bad. Find the good and roll with it.

Everything is a contradiction when you understand. Don't not understand. You always know.

We are people and no one is any less important. Race, sex, sexual orientation, age, choices...are not good reasons to project hate and cause even more fear in the world.

Well there you go. Relevant at any point. especially now.


Thanks for writing this long time ago self.