the olympics are here and so am i.
grrr.
i spent the better part of last year learning a lot about myself because i had the time and passion to do so. it also seemed like a matter of life or death. have you ever done something that makes you full of panic and anxiety? because of my drug use i was able to ignore these signs for most of my life. i started to smoke weed in high school because i was the person that would be different so others didn't have to be. i was a pillar of strength for most, but not for myself. ten years go by and i'm in a state of complete panic. so i forced myself to change and find out what it was that i was missing.
i talked a little about my soul in an earlier post. my soul is the direct connection to my inner child. the child whose dreams are possible, if you just take it one step at a time and be true to yourself. when you're living the life of a soul you tend to fly around without armour or padding, i've never known what its like to fly so high. what i didn't know is that although you are letting your soul fly so high it can almost reach the stars, you still have to remember your mind and body. which is why you must never fly without protection.
the last six months my soul has been free. which meant that i was neglecting my body. which i chose to forget now that i think about it. i am stubborn and i love to eat whatever i want. each day that passed i felt heavier and heavier. i wasn't fat! although my body felt like i had gained a million pounds. i knew that my life without cleansing myself of any food and drink toxins was catching up with me. as the months rolled on i knew that everything i was putting in my body was dripping with guilt and candida. which made me eat more. until finally i was out of town and came down with a horrible head cold brought on by my sugar consumption. i asked for it. when will i ever learn before its too late?
it was christmas time and i was stuck in another country with a head cold that made it very hard to listen to anyone speak, let alone listen to myself think. so i slept. i spent a couple of days in bed sweating it out. i wanted to fly home to be able to enjoy the family festivities but i was not able to, because if i went up in a plane my head would have exploded. as the days went on i needed to eat, but i needed to make sure that i ate healthy.
i knew that i had to eliminate certain things because every time i would put something in my body that wasn't supposed to be there. i was slingshotted back into hell. food, sugar, wheat, coffee, weed. candida is a hell of a monster to feed. if you leave it hungry it will eat you alive. or as i found out. you will eat yourself to death. i eventually made it home because i eliminated all of these things from my diet. my head started to clear and i was able to make it back for christmas eve. i was not pain free, but i knew what had to be done in the coming days.
i spent the next week rebelling from this idea that i had to stop eating and drinking things that were so good and so bad for me. i binged. then january came around and i made a commitment to myself. i had to go on a candida cleanse, one that i have committed to for a whole year. so i did it. i did well, for the month of january.
as most of you know, the olympics are now in vancouver. i have been waiting for them to come and go since the day i quit my old job 6 months ago. i was given the heads up on a job for the olympics, working for a major television corporation. doing exactly what i had done in my other jobs, only a little different. so the last 6 months i have been waiting for them to come and go so i can get on with my life. now they are here and i've been working for over 15 days. two days ago the games began. about 20 days ago i had some panic attacks much like the ones i am having today and a lot like the ones that allowed me to recognize that i needed to quit my other job. ones that make me think irrational thoughts of destruction and hate. i have not been cleansing my body because i've been slowly losing the will to survive while being in this job. this job being my gig to end all gigs, the coup de gras. which means i must hold on until the end. i owe it to myself to do so. the olympics for me has to be a celebration of a life i have lived. as a child i wanted to swim in the olympics, but maybe when i wished to be in them i wasn't specific and here i am today...in the olympics.
i chose not to have any opinion on the games and what they have done to vancouver. i'm just here to collect my paycheck and hang my head...remembering that i've lived a life like the others in these games and i am on my way out. i just have to pay my respects to an old lover.
during this time of work i have felt the need to consume foods that are full of candida. they make me very heavy and emotional. everything i eat feeds the need for instant gratification and soon turns into guilt. which then turns into obsession and addiction. i'm noticing that by not drinking enough water and eating crap my body tells my soul and my mind that i am clearly unhappy. i went from doing yoga everyday and eating only meat and veg to eating nothing but butter, wheat, and sugar. i have slowly started to become numb to the outside world which turns my mind into a crazy person because its more powerful than numbness. i am noticing the power behind things like aspartame. something that i had noticed a few months ago but i had eliminated it from my diet and was unable to see first hand what it did. i have made my body so sensitive by eliminating the bad things that now when i consume bad things my body will give me a read out on what is going on. although i tend to read it and it magically self destructs so i can never read it again. allowing me to forget what i just learned. when i forget i get anxious and i eat more.
today i will slowly get myself back on track. i understand the power behind the foods that we put into our bodies. i know that just because i can doesn't mean that i should and that is ok. although i am 'stuck' in this job for another 20 days i have to work every second to not consume things that help candida live. nor can i have things that block my energy. i just fear that when i stop the things that i am doing wrong while im in the thing thats giving me stress, i may just jump off a cliff. i must balance my diet, my mind and my soul. because i am on the verge of a nervous break down.
food is a necessity of life. we all need it to survive. everything that we eat changes the vibration our body transmits. so, for myself, i need to remember that although everything that is food is edible. it is not good for the connection of my being. i must make sure that i eat what i am supposed to eat and only that. because when i do not eat healthy i go crazy. i'm sure i am not the only one in the world with this problem. be careful with what you put in your body because it will control everything that you do.
thanks.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Happiness is a daily process
hello
i have spent my life living a certain lifestyle. today i find myself living a little differently. not the kind of change i would have expected, i’ve been openly gay since i was a teenager and a user of drugs and had my fair share of detox/rehabilitation processes. these changes weren’t a problem, nor did they seem like change at all. they just were, they just are. what i have come to find is that the changes i am going through now are the same everyone goes through. we may not recognize them right away and do we all have the patience and time to focus on them?
mind, body and soul. do you know what these are?
today i will focus on soul.
soul. growing up with no religion in my family i figured the soul was some hokey thing that only people who believed in mr jesus would actually have. until i started to notice my own unhappiness. something pulling me in a direction i didn’t understand. even though i felt i had everything i ever wanted. money, career, opportunities, medical, dental… i grew up to have a career that pays and feeds. one that helped me get what i wanted…what i wanted was something completely different from what i actually needed. what i needed took a while to find and it wasn’t easy. i am thankful to some plant medicines for some of my answers but i can’t give them all of the credit. they just help guide me in a direction i can understand…one word…child…what ever happened to that child inside me?
i realized that the inner child inside me is the direct connection to my soul. not the child that screams and yells and can only find happiness in child’s play. the one that had dreams. aspired to be something, even though it didn’t know the steps to get there, nor did they care. the child that wants to reach for the stars no matter how high they have to reach…somewhere along the way i stopped believing in the things i used to as a child. kind of like the loss of interest in santa claus and the easter bunny. since i already knew i was gonna get chocolate and presents without needing to believe in such nonsense. the magic was lost…but the stuff was still there. oooo the stuff. shiny objects tend to distract me.
i then started to live my life with purpose. everyday i wake up and know that i'm happy because deep inside me i make sure that i check myself. everything i do i have to know that i am doing it for me. i say yes for me. i say no for me. everyday i wake up and remind myself why i'm happy. it is very simple. i am happy because i am true to myself. something that some may think unnecessary. to me, someone who wants to create positive change within myself and affect the rest of the world in the same way...i must work harder at my process.
what the soul wants.
My soul wants to blow in the wind. to be more specific, it wants to be rich and famous and have everyone love it. it wants to be and be free...with this i learned how to define and decipher what my soul was actually trying to tell me. i am human and i was given this gift which is my mind. my mind has an ego which takes the idea of fame and fortune to another level. my ego is greedy and my wants instantly become my needs. i become torn when i notice that everyone else lives with their ego and greed. because we are raised to live like this. it is the ONLY way to get around and to the top...or is it? is there a top?
i stepped back, removed my mind from my soul and tried to really see what my soul was telling me. i learned the language of my soul by trial and error. just like diet. when you eliminate everything bad and you start introducing new things into your diet you notice everything your body does. you become more sensitive. your body starts to reject foods because it knows it is bad for you. my soul started to reject ideas and ideals that i've always lived by, to the point of temper tantrums and overly emotional breakdowns. i was a kid freaking out because i WANTED THE FUCKING RED CRAYON!!! and no one would give it to me...stop...i wasn't giving it to myself. what a concept.
when i realized that i was in complete control of everything in my world my life changed instantly(a new realization, although i have been told something my whole life, i wasn't able to truly apply it to my life. i learned it takes time, patience, and understanding). i looked back at myself as a teenager, those times where i believed that someone else made me say NO...or made me feel a certain way...i took those situations and created them again. i made sure to say yes in the times i said no and no in the times i would have said yes. i reset my consciousness. took the blame from others and started to own my reality. i tried things i'd always run to for support and my soul would reject them instantly. i tried things i wouldn't normally try and i found that my soul was shining and this happiness would come over me. i learned to say no to some things that i wanted, so i was able to say yes to the things i really wanted.
Fame, fortune, and love. although i may seek such things much like everyone else, i recognize to what extent. because when i am true to myself and my soul. these things happen. i am rich and famous. i embody my being and my being is all of these things. my being is love. i become happy and my happiness has an affect on others. my insides effect other peoples insides. so i must make them strong and redefine the being i once thought i was. to become this new being, the one that i always had in me...i just didn't give them a chance to shine.
my soul wants to shine much like a star in the sky.
life is finite. it's as slow and fast as you make it. make it good. make it worth it
i have spent my life living a certain lifestyle. today i find myself living a little differently. not the kind of change i would have expected, i’ve been openly gay since i was a teenager and a user of drugs and had my fair share of detox/rehabilitation processes. these changes weren’t a problem, nor did they seem like change at all. they just were, they just are. what i have come to find is that the changes i am going through now are the same everyone goes through. we may not recognize them right away and do we all have the patience and time to focus on them?
mind, body and soul. do you know what these are?
today i will focus on soul.
soul. growing up with no religion in my family i figured the soul was some hokey thing that only people who believed in mr jesus would actually have. until i started to notice my own unhappiness. something pulling me in a direction i didn’t understand. even though i felt i had everything i ever wanted. money, career, opportunities, medical, dental… i grew up to have a career that pays and feeds. one that helped me get what i wanted…what i wanted was something completely different from what i actually needed. what i needed took a while to find and it wasn’t easy. i am thankful to some plant medicines for some of my answers but i can’t give them all of the credit. they just help guide me in a direction i can understand…one word…child…what ever happened to that child inside me?
i realized that the inner child inside me is the direct connection to my soul. not the child that screams and yells and can only find happiness in child’s play. the one that had dreams. aspired to be something, even though it didn’t know the steps to get there, nor did they care. the child that wants to reach for the stars no matter how high they have to reach…somewhere along the way i stopped believing in the things i used to as a child. kind of like the loss of interest in santa claus and the easter bunny. since i already knew i was gonna get chocolate and presents without needing to believe in such nonsense. the magic was lost…but the stuff was still there. oooo the stuff. shiny objects tend to distract me.
i then started to live my life with purpose. everyday i wake up and know that i'm happy because deep inside me i make sure that i check myself. everything i do i have to know that i am doing it for me. i say yes for me. i say no for me. everyday i wake up and remind myself why i'm happy. it is very simple. i am happy because i am true to myself. something that some may think unnecessary. to me, someone who wants to create positive change within myself and affect the rest of the world in the same way...i must work harder at my process.
what the soul wants.
My soul wants to blow in the wind. to be more specific, it wants to be rich and famous and have everyone love it. it wants to be and be free...with this i learned how to define and decipher what my soul was actually trying to tell me. i am human and i was given this gift which is my mind. my mind has an ego which takes the idea of fame and fortune to another level. my ego is greedy and my wants instantly become my needs. i become torn when i notice that everyone else lives with their ego and greed. because we are raised to live like this. it is the ONLY way to get around and to the top...or is it? is there a top?
i stepped back, removed my mind from my soul and tried to really see what my soul was telling me. i learned the language of my soul by trial and error. just like diet. when you eliminate everything bad and you start introducing new things into your diet you notice everything your body does. you become more sensitive. your body starts to reject foods because it knows it is bad for you. my soul started to reject ideas and ideals that i've always lived by, to the point of temper tantrums and overly emotional breakdowns. i was a kid freaking out because i WANTED THE FUCKING RED CRAYON!!! and no one would give it to me...stop...i wasn't giving it to myself. what a concept.
when i realized that i was in complete control of everything in my world my life changed instantly(a new realization, although i have been told something my whole life, i wasn't able to truly apply it to my life. i learned it takes time, patience, and understanding). i looked back at myself as a teenager, those times where i believed that someone else made me say NO...or made me feel a certain way...i took those situations and created them again. i made sure to say yes in the times i said no and no in the times i would have said yes. i reset my consciousness. took the blame from others and started to own my reality. i tried things i'd always run to for support and my soul would reject them instantly. i tried things i wouldn't normally try and i found that my soul was shining and this happiness would come over me. i learned to say no to some things that i wanted, so i was able to say yes to the things i really wanted.
Fame, fortune, and love. although i may seek such things much like everyone else, i recognize to what extent. because when i am true to myself and my soul. these things happen. i am rich and famous. i embody my being and my being is all of these things. my being is love. i become happy and my happiness has an affect on others. my insides effect other peoples insides. so i must make them strong and redefine the being i once thought i was. to become this new being, the one that i always had in me...i just didn't give them a chance to shine.
my soul wants to shine much like a star in the sky.
life is finite. it's as slow and fast as you make it. make it good. make it worth it
purpose
my life may be much like everyone else's.
to me. it is all i've got. so i'm going to make it good. at the end of it i want to know that i had a say in everything i did. maybe for a brief moment i can help others on their journey by sharing mine.
this is my journey
enjoy...
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