panic on the streets of london

the olympics are here and so am i.

grrr.

i spent the better part of last year learning a lot about myself because i had the time and passion to do so. it also seemed like a matter of life or death. have you ever done something that makes you full of panic and anxiety? because of my drug use i was able to ignore these signs for most of my life. i started to smoke weed in high school because i was the person that would be different so others didn't have to be. i was a pillar of strength for most, but not for myself. ten years go by and i'm in a state of complete panic. so i forced myself to change and find out what it was that i was missing.

i talked a little about my soul in an earlier post. my soul is the direct connection to my inner child. the child whose dreams are possible, if you just take it one step at a time and be true to yourself. when you're living the life of a soul you tend to fly around without armour or padding, i've never known what its like to fly so high. what i didn't know is that although you are letting your soul fly so high it can almost reach the stars, you still have to remember your mind and body. which is why you must never fly without protection.

the last six months my soul has been free. which meant that i was neglecting my body. which i chose to forget now that i think about it. i am stubborn and i love to eat whatever i want. each day that passed i felt heavier and heavier. i wasn't fat! although my body felt like i had gained a million pounds. i knew that my life without cleansing myself of any food and drink toxins was catching up with me. as the months rolled on i knew that everything i was putting in my body was dripping with guilt and candida. which made me eat more. until finally i was out of town and came down with a horrible head cold brought on by my sugar consumption. i asked for it. when will i ever learn before its too late?

it was christmas time and i was stuck in another country with a head cold that made it very hard to listen to anyone speak, let alone listen to myself think. so i slept. i spent a couple of days in bed sweating it out. i wanted to fly home to be able to enjoy the family festivities but i was not able to, because if i went up in a plane my head would have exploded. as the days went on i needed to eat, but i needed to make sure that i ate healthy.

i knew that i had to eliminate certain things because every time i would put something in my body that wasn't supposed to be there. i was slingshotted back into hell. food, sugar, wheat, coffee, weed. candida is a hell of a monster to feed. if you leave it hungry it will eat you alive. or as i found out. you will eat yourself to death. i eventually made it home because i eliminated all of these things from my diet. my head started to clear and i was able to make it back for christmas eve. i was not pain free, but i knew what had to be done in the coming days.

i spent the next week rebelling from this idea that i had to stop eating and drinking things that were so good and so bad for me. i binged. then january came around and i made a commitment to myself. i had to go on a candida cleanse, one that i have committed to for a whole year. so i did it. i did well, for the month of january.

as most of you know, the olympics are now in vancouver. i have been waiting for them to come and go since the day i quit my old job 6 months ago. i was given the heads up on a job for the olympics, working for a major television corporation. doing exactly what i had done in my other jobs, only a little different. so the last 6 months i have been waiting for them to come and go so i can get on with my life. now they are here and i've been working for over 15 days. two days ago the games began. about 20 days ago i had some panic attacks much like the ones i am having today and a lot like the ones that allowed me to recognize that i needed to quit my other job. ones that make me think irrational thoughts of destruction and hate. i have not been cleansing my body because i've been slowly losing the will to survive while being in this job. this job being my gig to end all gigs, the coup de gras. which means i must hold on until the end. i owe it to myself to do so. the olympics for me has to be a celebration of a life i have lived. as a child i wanted to swim in the olympics, but maybe when i wished to be in them i wasn't specific and here i am today...in the olympics.

i chose not to have any opinion on the games and what they have done to vancouver. i'm just here to collect my paycheck and hang my head...remembering that i've lived a life like the others in these games and i am on my way out. i just have to pay my respects to an old lover.

during this time of work i have felt the need to consume foods that are full of candida. they make me very heavy and emotional. everything i eat feeds the need for instant gratification and soon turns into guilt. which then turns into obsession and addiction. i'm noticing that by not drinking enough water and eating crap my body tells my soul and my mind that i am clearly unhappy. i went from doing yoga everyday and eating only meat and veg to eating nothing but butter, wheat, and sugar. i have slowly started to become numb to the outside world which turns my mind into a crazy person because its more powerful than numbness. i am noticing the power behind things like aspartame. something that i had noticed a few months ago but i had eliminated it from my diet and was unable to see first hand what it did. i have made my body so sensitive by eliminating the bad things that now when i consume bad things my body will give me a read out on what is going on. although i tend to read it and it magically self destructs so i can never read it again. allowing me to forget what i just learned. when i forget i get anxious and i eat more.

today i will slowly get myself back on track. i understand the power behind the foods that we put into our bodies. i know that just because i can doesn't mean that i should and that is ok. although i am 'stuck' in this job for another 20 days i have to work every second to not consume things that help candida live. nor can i have things that block my energy. i just fear that when i stop the things that i am doing wrong while im in the thing thats giving me stress, i may just jump off a cliff. i must balance my diet, my mind and my soul. because i am on the verge of a nervous break down.

food is a necessity of life. we all need it to survive. everything that we eat changes the vibration our body transmits. so, for myself, i need to remember that although everything that is food is edible. it is not good for the connection of my being. i must make sure that i eat what i am supposed to eat and only that. because when i do not eat healthy i go crazy. i'm sure i am not the only one in the world with this problem. be careful with what you put in your body because it will control everything that you do.

thanks.