Happiness is a daily process

hello

i have spent my life living a certain lifestyle. today i find myself living a little differently. not the kind of change i would have expected, i’ve been openly gay since i was a teenager and a user of drugs and had my fair share of detox/rehabilitation processes. these changes weren’t a problem, nor did they seem like change at all. they just were, they just are. what i have come to find is that the changes i am going through now are the same everyone goes through. we may not recognize them right away and do we all have the patience and time to focus on them?

mind, body and soul. do you know what these are?

today i will focus on soul.

soul. growing up with no religion in my family i figured the soul was some hokey thing that only people who believed in mr jesus would actually have. until i started to notice my own unhappiness. something pulling me in a direction i didn’t understand. even though i felt i had everything i ever wanted. money, career, opportunities, medical, dental… i grew up to have a career that pays and feeds. one that helped me get what i wanted…what i wanted was something completely different from what i actually needed. what i needed took a while to find and it wasn’t easy. i am thankful to some plant medicines for some of my answers but i can’t give them all of the credit. they just help guide me in a direction i can understand…one word…child…what ever happened to that child inside me?

i realized that the inner child inside me is the direct connection to my soul. not the child that screams and yells and can only find happiness in child’s play. the one that had dreams. aspired to be something, even though it didn’t know the steps to get there, nor did they care. the child that wants to reach for the stars no matter how high they have to reach…somewhere along the way i stopped believing in the things i used to as a child. kind of like the loss of interest in santa claus and the easter bunny. since i already knew i was gonna get chocolate and presents without needing to believe in such nonsense. the magic was lost…but the stuff was still there. oooo the stuff. shiny objects tend to distract me.

i then started to live my life with purpose. everyday i wake up and know that i'm happy because deep inside me i make sure that i check myself. everything i do i have to know that i am doing it for me. i say yes for me. i say no for me. everyday i wake up and remind myself why i'm happy. it is very simple. i am happy because i am true to myself. something that some may think unnecessary. to me, someone who wants to create positive change within myself and affect the rest of the world in the same way...i must work harder at my process.

what the soul wants.

My soul wants to blow in the wind. to be more specific, it wants to be rich and famous and have everyone love it. it wants to be and be free...with this i learned how to define and decipher what my soul was actually trying to tell me. i am human and i was given this gift which is my mind. my mind has an ego which takes the idea of fame and fortune to another level. my ego is greedy and my wants instantly become my needs. i become torn when i notice that everyone else lives with their ego and greed. because we are raised to live like this. it is the ONLY way to get around and to the top...or is it? is there a top?

i stepped back, removed my mind from my soul and tried to really see what my soul was telling me. i learned the language of my soul by trial and error. just like diet. when you eliminate everything bad and you start introducing new things into your diet you notice everything your body does. you become more sensitive. your body starts to reject foods because it knows it is bad for you. my soul started to reject ideas and ideals that i've always lived by, to the point of temper tantrums and overly emotional breakdowns. i was a kid freaking out because i WANTED THE FUCKING RED CRAYON!!! and no one would give it to me...stop...i wasn't giving it to myself. what a concept.

when i realized that i was in complete control of everything in my world my life changed instantly(a new realization, although i have been told something my whole life, i wasn't able to truly apply it to my life. i learned it takes time, patience, and understanding). i looked back at myself as a teenager, those times where i believed that someone else made me say NO...or made me feel a certain way...i took those situations and created them again. i made sure to say yes in the times i said no and no in the times i would have said yes. i reset my consciousness. took the blame from others and started to own my reality. i tried things i'd always run to for support and my soul would reject them instantly. i tried things i wouldn't normally try and i found that my soul was shining and this happiness would come over me. i learned to say no to some things that i wanted, so i was able to say yes to the things i really wanted.

Fame, fortune, and love. although i may seek such things much like everyone else, i recognize to what extent. because when i am true to myself and my soul. these things happen. i am rich and famous. i embody my being and my being is all of these things. my being is love. i become happy and my happiness has an affect on others. my insides effect other peoples insides. so i must make them strong and redefine the being i once thought i was. to become this new being, the one that i always had in me...i just didn't give them a chance to shine.

my soul wants to shine much like a star in the sky.

life is finite. it's as slow and fast as you make it. make it good. make it worth it