Wowzers

Here we go. The fear in which we're faced with.

So I went to see one of my doctors. I'm pretty sure I want to get off of this horrible 'Lamotragine'. I'm faced with this...If I come off of it...I may become a vegetable. Although I love vegetables, I'm faced with fear. Do I listen to the fear? most people in my family and life think that I should. Although I still haven't seen my neurologist, that wont be till august 8th, I have been faced with BRICK walls of information. Of support from the western medical system. Being told things that go against this gut i've been learning to listen to religiously. I'm being told that i have the best neurologist in vancouver and he's worth listening to. But if you actually met this guy then you'd see or feel that he hardly looked at me. He seem holier than thou and made me feel as if he was the only one that knew the truth and the truth was his 'medical opinion' which i am supposed to live by.

Ok. Honestly. this advice from one of my doctors scared me. I have an ear infection and I'm vulnerable to bipolar feelings as this medication makes its way into my brain and actually stops activity. The bridges where my brain waves used to cross are no longer in use the way they were. So in a sense all of the natural healing and shamanism that i've lived for all my life has had to stop. The use of anything other than the 'systems' medications have come to a full stop. I know i need more opinions once i go for my reassessment. I'm in search of someone who is willing to give up what they 'know' for what they know is possible. I'm in search of a glimmer of hope. Something that i can hold onto and place in my heart of hearts in order to move through all of the salt lying on the table...in order to find my favourite condiment...the pepper. Also. the meds i'm on stop sodium from entering my brain..another interesting fact.

So there we go. I'm scared. Flat out. I know the power of the brain and i'm believing in a future of freedom from these chains of our society. My whole life i've tried to break free, only to be brought back, slingshotted back into a world without real security. One where life as it used to be is to be forgotten, now. We destroyed the natives in this continent because of the same reasons. Power. Control. If we can take our machines into places like the jungle in order to give sight to those who have lost it. We should be able to integrate a kind of spiritual natural healing that doesn't involve a god, or something of that kind. But rather our human capabilities. I believe in the power of love and the power of us. If only we knew that all of these things have been forgotten and they are what we used to be.

Suffice to say. My jedi wizard training has been put on hold. Maybe this is apart of the training. Although in the world i know. Seizures are initiations into the shamanic realm.

So I'm in search of someone in the medical profession that is going to hear my cries for freedom. I need a lwayer of sorts to prove that my brain is innocent until proven guilty. In order to save my life...I must believe.

Thanks for listening.
emotional wreck.

Ah HAH...the examinations we face

Hello lovelies.

I am here to talk. But we know that.

So if you've been along for the ride you'd know that i had some seizures. been on medication. Felt blocked, fell in love...living in cold and wet.

Now its warming up...still in full pj's though.

I'm faced with this conundrum. I'm in western society. (disclaimer for all those people who urge me to think about it and be careful. way ahead of you) I love what western medicine has to offer. I LOVE IT! I also dont love it. Like how someone could love nighttime but dislike the scary things that can come from it.

The medication I am on is also used for bipolar disorder. I dont know if anyone has ever been on an antidepressant before? they suck. They make me feel angry, irritable, The activity that helps my flag fly high is stifled by this thing hanging over me. Slowing me down. This medication stops the extreme ups and downs from happening in my brain. If you look into epilepsy in all forms, you'd see that there are a list of somewhat known causes. Read through them and tell me if you have any of these? because when i had the seizures I could have checked off every possible cause on the list.

Then i learn more about misdiagnosis with epilepsy and find out how much they actually know about seizures, its not much. Yes a lot. but Not as much as one like me would hope.

This all makes me think of my life, the thing i've been searching for the entire time. BALANCE. the libra in me is tipping the scale. The balance is now very much imbalanced. One sided. One dimensional.

so! what do i do about it now?

I'm getting the heck off of these meds. This life i'm in, this world is too important to me to have to take an anticonvulsant when my love and passion comes from this brain. I understand the consequences if there are any...but they'll all be great. Because its life, we manage it, we have ups and downs. We all get seizures (look into it, we do). This western medicine will help me with my health when needed. I honestly dont think i need their help with droning out the passion. Being a writer does that enough,) ha

so. august is the month. 6 months. I can in theory drive again. But i'm going to come off my meds. so probably not for a lot longer. But i dont care. I'll do it. life is for living. I'm cool, calm, collected. and would really love to get on with my life.

I haven't discussed it yet with the neuro docs...We can discuss it. I understand. But dont let them put the fear in you. We're human.

dear crazy