Wowzers

Here we go. The fear in which we're faced with.

So I went to see one of my doctors. I'm pretty sure I want to get off of this horrible 'Lamotragine'. I'm faced with this...If I come off of it...I may become a vegetable. Although I love vegetables, I'm faced with fear. Do I listen to the fear? most people in my family and life think that I should. Although I still haven't seen my neurologist, that wont be till august 8th, I have been faced with BRICK walls of information. Of support from the western medical system. Being told things that go against this gut i've been learning to listen to religiously. I'm being told that i have the best neurologist in vancouver and he's worth listening to. But if you actually met this guy then you'd see or feel that he hardly looked at me. He seem holier than thou and made me feel as if he was the only one that knew the truth and the truth was his 'medical opinion' which i am supposed to live by.

Ok. Honestly. this advice from one of my doctors scared me. I have an ear infection and I'm vulnerable to bipolar feelings as this medication makes its way into my brain and actually stops activity. The bridges where my brain waves used to cross are no longer in use the way they were. So in a sense all of the natural healing and shamanism that i've lived for all my life has had to stop. The use of anything other than the 'systems' medications have come to a full stop. I know i need more opinions once i go for my reassessment. I'm in search of someone who is willing to give up what they 'know' for what they know is possible. I'm in search of a glimmer of hope. Something that i can hold onto and place in my heart of hearts in order to move through all of the salt lying on the table...in order to find my favourite condiment...the pepper. Also. the meds i'm on stop sodium from entering my brain..another interesting fact.

So there we go. I'm scared. Flat out. I know the power of the brain and i'm believing in a future of freedom from these chains of our society. My whole life i've tried to break free, only to be brought back, slingshotted back into a world without real security. One where life as it used to be is to be forgotten, now. We destroyed the natives in this continent because of the same reasons. Power. Control. If we can take our machines into places like the jungle in order to give sight to those who have lost it. We should be able to integrate a kind of spiritual natural healing that doesn't involve a god, or something of that kind. But rather our human capabilities. I believe in the power of love and the power of us. If only we knew that all of these things have been forgotten and they are what we used to be.

Suffice to say. My jedi wizard training has been put on hold. Maybe this is apart of the training. Although in the world i know. Seizures are initiations into the shamanic realm.

So I'm in search of someone in the medical profession that is going to hear my cries for freedom. I need a lwayer of sorts to prove that my brain is innocent until proven guilty. In order to save my life...I must believe.

Thanks for listening.
emotional wreck.