Reality check

So.

I got a little upset there for a moment. This is really my blog. TRUE that. I've been upset recently and its been a very interesting ride. Its the first time in my life that i haven't searched for much external relief in instant gratification. Although i have my friends whom have been amazing. I haven't used drugs, alcohol or sex in a negative way in order to feel something other than what i'm feeling. Its nice. So hard. But nice.

Recently I've been feeling like I've mourned the loss of someone. But in reality i've been mourning the loss of myself. My heart beats for love and light and I began to ignore that and started to resent the actual phrase love and light. I was losing it. My eyes no longer shined, my heart no longer pounded for no reason but to love. I wasn't me.

I talked to my good friend today. A mother, healer, my love. She is my love. We are love. Although she moved to toronto without me knowing it. She's still here to talk with me. See I didn't even know that one of my best healing support was gone. I was so blinded by a reality that no longer serves me.

Sigh. Today after yoga was tough. i felt drained. I felt heavy. I gave too much of myself, and I kept on giving. I slept when i got home and woke up balling my eyes out. Realizing that i'm slowly trying to close my heart off. For fear of getting hurt again. But thats the wrong thing to do. The complete wrong thing to do. I need to open it wider. Its arms need to enjoy group hugs more often. Life is to be lived and its short. I'm not going to waste it mourning the loss of anyone but myself.

Wow. I thank all the people whom have been there for me in the last while. I know what you see in me now. I'm relearning to see it to. I'm a creative soul and I need to fly high. SIGH.

I'm going to get the book. The war of art. I have to read it and write a book report and send it to my love out east. so exciting. so excited!

ok. thanks for listening. This helps so much. I'm off to therapy. ha. another support. I'm an advocate for a type of support that isn't a repeat of addiction and one that doesn't fill the void of losing something or someone. Friends you're mine now, but I'm standing on my own,)