Down by the bay

Back in frisco bay. Waiting for the hat store to open. I have a free hat card. Buy ten hats get one free!! Yes!

The reason we came here is because I miss it. My friend and I needed to get out of the house as there is always babies screaming. Instead of smacking the parents of the babies or pushing them down the stairs...we got out.

My friend and I are sisters. I haven't been able to see her in some time. I missed her. So we're up here and we're about to get long awaited tattoos. I miss it here. Although I know the importance of going back home. I keep trying to fall back into old routines but for the most part I am fighting the urge.

I'm fighting against 28 years of bad habits. Fighting against fighting. I get so mad because I'm so scared...I'm embarking on something I've never done before.

Some people don't understand the struggle I've gone through with drugs and alcohol. Although it seems like I don't have a problem..it's there. It plagues me daily. I'm left thinking and thinking kills my spirit. I just want to die sometimes. But that doesn't fix the problem.

I'm faced with other peoples opinions or my own, which I'm not really pleased with I was just raised to have them. It's hard because I end up hurting the ones I love. Then I end up hurting myself more. It's funny. I was so good until I wasn't any longer. Which was when I came back to the 'real world'.

I know what I want from life and it's different from my actions in the past. Just like most this year...things are changing. I have many fears and I never express their effects on me. I just get angry. I do have an anger problem. I've felt voiceless. I've felt loveless. I've lost my energy. I gave it away four years ago and haven't yet gotten it back. I need to admire a flower again. Look at a tree and see a being. Living and loving. Being just what it is...alive.

I've always wanted to be a tree. Routed and tall. Blowing in the wind but with roots so deep it can stay strong.

I've been lied to this past while. Little things. Silly things. I've lied to myself. I've been mean. I've been hurt and I've acted out of fear and anger. I just wanted to look in your eyes...

Well. I'm off. Get ready for my new tattoo.

I am so full of hate and anger. I'm unsure where to place it.

Thank you for your time and love. I will cherish it. If only you knew what it is you don't. What it is you won't. I am not who you think I am. Because of you I've been given a chance.

My seizures were the best thing to ever happen to me. No one will really see the positivity I see when I think of them. They freed me. But it's not easy to get free of these chains I've placed on me...bms...and yet I'm doing it. I'm sober and I'm strong. I may need to fall a few more times. But as my brother says, 'it only gets easier' the best part about this fall...is I've become closer to my blood. Thank you for giving me life my seizures. Thank you for being there my friend and love

I wonder if one understands how it feels to bring out darkness in another? I get it. Its not a nice feeling.

I'm sorry but it's a good thing. No?