Love Letters to Linda

Dearest Linda,

Its been so long. I haven't been able to breathe or pick up a pen. I miss the days where I could walk outside and stand tall. I miss the days when my heart was beating at a regular pace. I'm sorry I haven't written you back.

I'm still here. I'm still alive. Barely.

Please do not stop writing your letters. I need them. One day I'll get up. One day soon.

Bisou,
Lilou

Life Has Taken its Turn for the Worst. Now its my time to turn it back

Hello

Its been a while. What can I say. I was involved in a love that took all of me and I never snapped out of it. Seems i'm still struggling to snap out of it.

I'm not really sure how. Although I'm doing it everyday. It seems to be a lot easier for the other person. Thats ok. Like seems to work like that too. Its always a one sided thing after a certain point. But the thing that sucks the most. Is having to still see and work with this person when they're completely involved with someone else. I feel like i've failed at life. I feel like i'm not worthy.

But this isn't true. Why is it that with love we tend to hurt ourselves when someone isn't strong enough to stick around. I mean. I was strong enough to stick around and be loved and keep my love giving. So that right there is a gift that I have. To know deep down that I'm going to be letting go of this person for longer than them. and Knowing that I may never be able to let them go is the thing that scares me the most.

This is why i'm back to blog writing. I need to know that the words can come out of my head when I need them. I'm a writer and maybe not the best blog writer. But i still need to practice. Writing with a purpose is always harder for me than i can express. Give me a topic...oh man. but let me make my own topics. I've got it!!!.

So Here I am. Back. Expressing. Writing. Again. I'm not sure where i'm going with this anymore. But i'll be sure to let you know. Recently i sold one of my stories for movie rights. So i'm trying to practice a little more so i can dial my other stories and get my mind away from dwelling on a silly love that no longer exists. Silly silly love. Yes i'm still mad. Super mad! but ok.

Thanks for reading. I'm not sure you really are anyways. So have a great day. I can't wait to see what is out there.

Love

Some people just need to look at themselves.

Forever is today

What a great night. Had a meet up with a great friend. Got a little tipsy...woke up still dressed.

A little foggy today but the journey is great. A situation has come to my attention and it must be addressed immediately. Although I'm not going to say a word. Why? Because I recently tell myself via tattoos...listen...let go...

I'm onto my new life. Today feeling all foggy is a little rough. But I'll make it. I had to let loose. I was seen for my true self in for what seemed like forever. I can breathe although my breathing is shallow now it will grow into the depths of my belly and open up a feeling of complete love. I am love. I was afraid to see it. I was afraid of so much for a little while there..but I've now cut my ties with many people in my life as its time for something new. It's time for a person to look me in the eyes and tell me the important things that I deserve to know.

I will not get over this talking in person or looking into my eyes thing. Totally not gonna get over it.

But don't be afraid. Every action causes a reaction and my reactions are a little extreme sometimes but really I'm totally ok with them. Because when I think about it...I'm upset.

Today. I journey out into the world. Expressing whatever I need to express. I have no idea what that is. But I have a feeling. And I'm going to follow it,

Words cannot express how I feel. They express only anger when all I feel is love

Been telling the brutal truth and asking for help. The people here need to know they're idiots and I've been stressed out long enough because of something hat means nothing.

Ugh. Today I rid myself of a phone. I'm out! Full out.

Down by the bay

Back in frisco bay. Waiting for the hat store to open. I have a free hat card. Buy ten hats get one free!! Yes!

The reason we came here is because I miss it. My friend and I needed to get out of the house as there is always babies screaming. Instead of smacking the parents of the babies or pushing them down the stairs...we got out.

My friend and I are sisters. I haven't been able to see her in some time. I missed her. So we're up here and we're about to get long awaited tattoos. I miss it here. Although I know the importance of going back home. I keep trying to fall back into old routines but for the most part I am fighting the urge.

I'm fighting against 28 years of bad habits. Fighting against fighting. I get so mad because I'm so scared...I'm embarking on something I've never done before.

Some people don't understand the struggle I've gone through with drugs and alcohol. Although it seems like I don't have a problem..it's there. It plagues me daily. I'm left thinking and thinking kills my spirit. I just want to die sometimes. But that doesn't fix the problem.

I'm faced with other peoples opinions or my own, which I'm not really pleased with I was just raised to have them. It's hard because I end up hurting the ones I love. Then I end up hurting myself more. It's funny. I was so good until I wasn't any longer. Which was when I came back to the 'real world'.

I know what I want from life and it's different from my actions in the past. Just like most this year...things are changing. I have many fears and I never express their effects on me. I just get angry. I do have an anger problem. I've felt voiceless. I've felt loveless. I've lost my energy. I gave it away four years ago and haven't yet gotten it back. I need to admire a flower again. Look at a tree and see a being. Living and loving. Being just what it is...alive.

I've always wanted to be a tree. Routed and tall. Blowing in the wind but with roots so deep it can stay strong.

I've been lied to this past while. Little things. Silly things. I've lied to myself. I've been mean. I've been hurt and I've acted out of fear and anger. I just wanted to look in your eyes...

Well. I'm off. Get ready for my new tattoo.

I am so full of hate and anger. I'm unsure where to place it.

Thank you for your time and love. I will cherish it. If only you knew what it is you don't. What it is you won't. I am not who you think I am. Because of you I've been given a chance.

My seizures were the best thing to ever happen to me. No one will really see the positivity I see when I think of them. They freed me. But it's not easy to get free of these chains I've placed on me...bms...and yet I'm doing it. I'm sober and I'm strong. I may need to fall a few more times. But as my brother says, 'it only gets easier' the best part about this fall...is I've become closer to my blood. Thank you for giving me life my seizures. Thank you for being there my friend and love

I wonder if one understands how it feels to bring out darkness in another? I get it. Its not a nice feeling.

I'm sorry but it's a good thing. No?