My Dieta starts today. Its very basic. Nothing stimulating, no television, very little computer, although i seem to have to still work and the computer is my work. No salt, sugar...just brown rice, meat and veg. I'm going to be making a chicken stock soon. for my natural salt. so I can absorb my liquids. only water and roiboos yummy.
I'll be reading a lot. Which is nice. Right now I'm reading Veronika decides to Die by Paulo Coelho. A very nice read. I'm excited to finish it in the next few days. Maybe even today if I lay around as much as I hope. I'll then hopefully start the Cosmic Serpent. I've started it many times before and still don't really know what its about. But i'm excited to start it again and finally get whats going on inside of it.
Have a great day.
Get your eyes checked. Reading glasses changed my life.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Interesting Vacation
I understand why I was put on this earth. I'm learning slowly how to create change within myself through many different means. It seems to be working. I believe that everything I have ever wanted has been slowly coming to me...but in a way I would have never expected. I'm finally learning what it means to love and be loved truly and unconditionally. I'm learning what it means to feel the right kind of feeling, and think the right kind of thought. Although some VIP have said that there may not be a right or wrong. I still believe there is. In my big scheme of things, and so far its worked out for me.
I'm about to embark on another Ceremony. One that involves ayahuasca. Something you'll just have to look up if you want to understand it. The last time I was apart of a ceremony like this I had a shift inside me. I of course was already on the verge of a major shift, but it shifted something big nonetheless. I understood how much I could love something I didn't actually like all that much. People mainly. At the time of the last ceremony I was just out of a major sobriety stint and I had a mind that felt again. Something I hadn't done in a long time. In the 'right' kind of way.
But then some things happened in my life after the ceremony. I was so focused on my past that the present and future happened and I was stuck thinking How the heck did i get here? and why did I put myself and others through this if I knew, I KNEW darn well what was going on inside me. Well. I dont know why I did it? I think it was because I was bored of my life and where I was at the time. I hope to never use people to pass the time ever again. I hope that I never use anyone like that ever again...also I hope I dont get used like that again either...but I dont mind if we have a little fun exploring. Learning. Living...Although this time...i'm going to be Honest with myself. Fully. If I feel bad things from now on. I'm going to understand that its DANGER in front of me...NOT LOVE...silly. DANGER. I will not think my way through it...I will live through it and come out understanding my place in this world.
Since my last ceremony I've moved south. I travel all the time, to places I've always wanted to go. My career is exactly where I've always hoped it would be, blossoming. I have come across people that really don't have what it takes to be in my life. I understand this because they make something inside me turn rancid. Something I've ignored my whole ENTIRE LIFE! now that i'm at the beginning of my saturn return and i'm not struggling to find out what i'm doing with my life. I know that its going to be a hard journey into letting my life lead without too much feeling. without too much thought. Only the thoughts that keep me moving forward in the 'right' direction...even if that direction is sideways. So this ceremony is important to me. i will remember my loved ones and remove my strings. Remove the things I no longer need. And plant seeds where they once were in order for new things to grow and flourish.
Thank you so much for the love that I feel. There are a lot of people out there that I should thank for helping me find the Love I've always had inside.
Thanks VACATION! Skiing is the best
Ps. I quit smoking weed. So proud. My life is forever different.
I'm about to embark on another Ceremony. One that involves ayahuasca. Something you'll just have to look up if you want to understand it. The last time I was apart of a ceremony like this I had a shift inside me. I of course was already on the verge of a major shift, but it shifted something big nonetheless. I understood how much I could love something I didn't actually like all that much. People mainly. At the time of the last ceremony I was just out of a major sobriety stint and I had a mind that felt again. Something I hadn't done in a long time. In the 'right' kind of way.
But then some things happened in my life after the ceremony. I was so focused on my past that the present and future happened and I was stuck thinking How the heck did i get here? and why did I put myself and others through this if I knew, I KNEW darn well what was going on inside me. Well. I dont know why I did it? I think it was because I was bored of my life and where I was at the time. I hope to never use people to pass the time ever again. I hope that I never use anyone like that ever again...also I hope I dont get used like that again either...but I dont mind if we have a little fun exploring. Learning. Living...Although this time...i'm going to be Honest with myself. Fully. If I feel bad things from now on. I'm going to understand that its DANGER in front of me...NOT LOVE...silly. DANGER. I will not think my way through it...I will live through it and come out understanding my place in this world.
Since my last ceremony I've moved south. I travel all the time, to places I've always wanted to go. My career is exactly where I've always hoped it would be, blossoming. I have come across people that really don't have what it takes to be in my life. I understand this because they make something inside me turn rancid. Something I've ignored my whole ENTIRE LIFE! now that i'm at the beginning of my saturn return and i'm not struggling to find out what i'm doing with my life. I know that its going to be a hard journey into letting my life lead without too much feeling. without too much thought. Only the thoughts that keep me moving forward in the 'right' direction...even if that direction is sideways. So this ceremony is important to me. i will remember my loved ones and remove my strings. Remove the things I no longer need. And plant seeds where they once were in order for new things to grow and flourish.
Thank you so much for the love that I feel. There are a lot of people out there that I should thank for helping me find the Love I've always had inside.
Thanks VACATION! Skiing is the best
Ps. I quit smoking weed. So proud. My life is forever different.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
the life I am living today
I sit here in southern california looking off into the cloudy sky. Half blinded because of my new reading glasses. I must remember to take them off when I look into the distance...where I can actually see.
I've been dealing with headaches for long periods of time. I spend a lot of time in front of the computer. Writing, reading, staring...I have not given my eyes a break. When i'd sit and read a book my eyes would bounce around the page as if they were afraid to focus on one spot at one time. I thought maybe it was the pollution coming from the Los Angeles area i've been living in. I could see. I could read. so whats the big deal?
I saw the eye doctor and he said i've been trying too hard. The muscles in my eyes have been overworking their little selves. With only me to blame. Maybe the fact that I am regularly stoned forced my eyes to work 10x harder.
Although I do not know when the straining of my eye muscles started. I do know that its not only my eyes that have been trying too hard. My heart and my mind overwork all day long. Many things are happening around me that remind me of why i'm here with myself. I've taken it upon myself to be that true bitter martyr because I'm thinking too much.
Have you ever had thoughts in your head that you trusted so much that it hurt. Whatever happened to that feeling inside me that made me crazy with love. That feeling that I didn't care to think about. I've walked through some flames, but i've approached most of them with a team of experts inside me. Ones that sit in my brain with their protractors, rulers, compasses and calculators making sure that every step I take has the right answer.
Sometimes I dont think when I should. Sometimes I dont feel when the time is right.
One of my house mates is going through an interesting time. Honestly she freaks herself out because she never knows what her boyfriend is doing when they're not together and it drives her mad! Something that almost killed me once. I long for this feeling and I fear it like the plague. I understand what it is to lose trust, to lose something you care about.
I've always wanted to be with someone. I dont want marriage but I'd like some sort of commitment.
I've been sitting in one spot hoping to fall in love with someone that loves me back. I've been straining my heart because i've thought myself out of love so many times. I'm better off alone. I've got a career I need to focus on. All thoughts that come from my head but make my heart feel like it said it. What my heart says is true but my mind has learned to throw its voice...I guess.
I feel as if I need to not recognize anything, not think about anything. Because thinking used to protect me, but then it hurt be when it left. Which is why balancing your thoughts and feelings is necessary. This is what I tell myself...but what part of me is supposed to listen.
I've been dealing with headaches for long periods of time. I spend a lot of time in front of the computer. Writing, reading, staring...I have not given my eyes a break. When i'd sit and read a book my eyes would bounce around the page as if they were afraid to focus on one spot at one time. I thought maybe it was the pollution coming from the Los Angeles area i've been living in. I could see. I could read. so whats the big deal?
I saw the eye doctor and he said i've been trying too hard. The muscles in my eyes have been overworking their little selves. With only me to blame. Maybe the fact that I am regularly stoned forced my eyes to work 10x harder.
Although I do not know when the straining of my eye muscles started. I do know that its not only my eyes that have been trying too hard. My heart and my mind overwork all day long. Many things are happening around me that remind me of why i'm here with myself. I've taken it upon myself to be that true bitter martyr because I'm thinking too much.
Have you ever had thoughts in your head that you trusted so much that it hurt. Whatever happened to that feeling inside me that made me crazy with love. That feeling that I didn't care to think about. I've walked through some flames, but i've approached most of them with a team of experts inside me. Ones that sit in my brain with their protractors, rulers, compasses and calculators making sure that every step I take has the right answer.
Sometimes I dont think when I should. Sometimes I dont feel when the time is right.
One of my house mates is going through an interesting time. Honestly she freaks herself out because she never knows what her boyfriend is doing when they're not together and it drives her mad! Something that almost killed me once. I long for this feeling and I fear it like the plague. I understand what it is to lose trust, to lose something you care about.
I've always wanted to be with someone. I dont want marriage but I'd like some sort of commitment.
I've been sitting in one spot hoping to fall in love with someone that loves me back. I've been straining my heart because i've thought myself out of love so many times. I'm better off alone. I've got a career I need to focus on. All thoughts that come from my head but make my heart feel like it said it. What my heart says is true but my mind has learned to throw its voice...I guess.
I feel as if I need to not recognize anything, not think about anything. Because thinking used to protect me, but then it hurt be when it left. Which is why balancing your thoughts and feelings is necessary. This is what I tell myself...but what part of me is supposed to listen.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Today is a day like any other. Not really
Ah today. I haven't talked to you in a while and I've kept my distance because I was in a very angry space. Funny how life does that to you. Now I'm feeling a lot better. Things seem to be going my way, the way they always do. Especially with a passion in my heart like mine.
I have written many things. Many of them sit in a box in my parents storage. Many of them sit with me on this computer. But one in particular. A journey of a girl. A thought provoking piece of a girl living life. The way she needs it to be. The raw reality of trying to survive in unknown territory. Exploring what we do not know within ourselves.
This story is getting published. This story is leaving the box. Jumping onto that fast moving train south to where the sun shines so that it can live on forever. Although I don't expect everything I can only hope for something. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel as if I will no longer just write to loved ones and friends. Instead I get to feel what its like to give my story a life of its own. Its not under my wing. It is not under my control what happens to it. Although I will have to do a lot of my own pushing. I am excited.
I am excited to feel insecure and who knows what? I'm excited to not know what is going to happen next. My life has always been like that but now one of my babies gets to go somewhere I have never been. I don't want to think about this one. I want to let my mind go. I've been so full of thoughts that I just think myself into a dark place, in and out of good things. I want a happy give and take of my thoughts and feelings on this. One can anticipate the other, ebb and flow together. Because this is clearly unchartered waters for me. And I'm excited to feel what I think when I'm going through this journey.
Today is like any other. Not because I've done it before or thought about this for a long time. But because I can actually feel again. My heart softens and opens.
breathe. listen. sigh.)
I have written many things. Many of them sit in a box in my parents storage. Many of them sit with me on this computer. But one in particular. A journey of a girl. A thought provoking piece of a girl living life. The way she needs it to be. The raw reality of trying to survive in unknown territory. Exploring what we do not know within ourselves.
This story is getting published. This story is leaving the box. Jumping onto that fast moving train south to where the sun shines so that it can live on forever. Although I don't expect everything I can only hope for something. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel as if I will no longer just write to loved ones and friends. Instead I get to feel what its like to give my story a life of its own. Its not under my wing. It is not under my control what happens to it. Although I will have to do a lot of my own pushing. I am excited.
I am excited to feel insecure and who knows what? I'm excited to not know what is going to happen next. My life has always been like that but now one of my babies gets to go somewhere I have never been. I don't want to think about this one. I want to let my mind go. I've been so full of thoughts that I just think myself into a dark place, in and out of good things. I want a happy give and take of my thoughts and feelings on this. One can anticipate the other, ebb and flow together. Because this is clearly unchartered waters for me. And I'm excited to feel what I think when I'm going through this journey.
Today is like any other. Not because I've done it before or thought about this for a long time. But because I can actually feel again. My heart softens and opens.
breathe. listen. sigh.)
Sunday, May 16, 2010
how my new life began
hello
i've had a very interesting few months. i've been learning a new set of skills. i'm really harnessing the true goodness in the world. health. on this journey into the mind, body and soul i've come across negative and positive energy. emotions. realizations. observations.
as i sit filling my ipod i feel everything in my body. the aches ache because i welcomed the pain. i've been learning acupressure massage. personally i have been to many treatments myself and they have changed my life. especially the tummy work called chi nei tsang. its a type of massage for the vital organs. i didn't know at the time of my first massage that i'm holding all my negative thoughts and feelings in my organs. or rather my organs are troubled by situations in life. my lungs, my heart, just like me. turns out our pipes in our body that feed our organs life, get plugged up with gunk, just like the pipes in your house. the organs suffer from not only this but that sad feeling i felt that i never really dealt with when i was 7. learning how to snowboard and falling on my ass for years and years. then to find out, these feelings and light injuries have been affecting my body this whole time. giving me pain, which turns to frustration and anger, depression and fear. all needing to be flushed and digested.
my body like most other peoples are compensating for un-digested emotions and injuries. have you ever stubbed your toe and bitten your lip so as to not scream. our body feels things like that everyday. but we dont notice. my body told itself to deal with it because i'm clearly not going to be able to fix it the way i go about things.
so what have i been doing? well. i've been practicing chi kung and many other healing activities not only to help myself but to maybe find a way to perfect my inner health and inner smile.
how many people have ever smiled at their liver? or stomach? how many people have taken deep breaths into their sides?
i want you to imagine a smiling face of someone you love. now smile back at them. smile into yourself. close your eyes and try it after this. smile into yourself. smile into your belly. smile into your kidneys. breathe into your belly and activate your diaphragm pushing your belly and tummy out. now smile into your heart. relax and breathe. smiling. smiling into yourself...go for it.
i've had a very interesting few months. i've been learning a new set of skills. i'm really harnessing the true goodness in the world. health. on this journey into the mind, body and soul i've come across negative and positive energy. emotions. realizations. observations.
as i sit filling my ipod i feel everything in my body. the aches ache because i welcomed the pain. i've been learning acupressure massage. personally i have been to many treatments myself and they have changed my life. especially the tummy work called chi nei tsang. its a type of massage for the vital organs. i didn't know at the time of my first massage that i'm holding all my negative thoughts and feelings in my organs. or rather my organs are troubled by situations in life. my lungs, my heart, just like me. turns out our pipes in our body that feed our organs life, get plugged up with gunk, just like the pipes in your house. the organs suffer from not only this but that sad feeling i felt that i never really dealt with when i was 7. learning how to snowboard and falling on my ass for years and years. then to find out, these feelings and light injuries have been affecting my body this whole time. giving me pain, which turns to frustration and anger, depression and fear. all needing to be flushed and digested.
my body like most other peoples are compensating for un-digested emotions and injuries. have you ever stubbed your toe and bitten your lip so as to not scream. our body feels things like that everyday. but we dont notice. my body told itself to deal with it because i'm clearly not going to be able to fix it the way i go about things.
so what have i been doing? well. i've been practicing chi kung and many other healing activities not only to help myself but to maybe find a way to perfect my inner health and inner smile.
how many people have ever smiled at their liver? or stomach? how many people have taken deep breaths into their sides?
i want you to imagine a smiling face of someone you love. now smile back at them. smile into yourself. close your eyes and try it after this. smile into yourself. smile into your belly. smile into your kidneys. breathe into your belly and activate your diaphragm pushing your belly and tummy out. now smile into your heart. relax and breathe. smiling. smiling into yourself...go for it.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
the adventures of twiggy and the boat
i am finding simplicity. maybe i've only found the simp. but i see the licity.
i went on a hike. i am out of shape. i followed the boat, a mother figure and a young girl up a hill at my own pace. let me tell you. maybe its because i've been a smoker my whole life...not the cigarette kind. the olympics put some stress and weight on my little system. and maybe it's the fact that i'm a stoner living in the city with a car...its not all its cut out to be. actually, its nothing that i actually want myself to be.
i'm surrounded by open sky, distant mountains and trees that sigh as if they're doing all they can in the harsh conditions. mamma arapa runs like a hawk flies. while pearl gallops everywhere, her legs floppitty flopp as she tries to keep up with mamma. i place my hands on my knees as i struggle to breathe. i cough but nothing comes loose. i just wheeze. remember when i grew up in the bush and ran everywhere and up any hill...maybe these hills aren't the same? or maybe i'm ridiculous. i breathe and try to slow my heart rate. blood rushes to my head and i keep walking.
at the top i see sky for miles. distant mountains with clouds pouring snow on them. mountains for miles.
i'm now spending a night in a room with an oxygen can in my hand. my head hurts a little and i'm getting on a train tomorrow at 12. i have just made a decision that changes everything. i'm taking the road less traveled. i'm making the hard decision to not take the easy road. because in the end the hard road gets easier while the easy road gets a whole lot harder. my head hurts because my heart wants to do something and the rest of me is slowly taking the steps to get there. the very fact that the slow easy road has made me unable to breathe walking up a mountain just wont do.
i am now away from that place and wanting to go back. but i have to settle up here. i have to make sure that this choice that i am making is made right. made with a conscious mind and heart.
the journey awaits
i went on a hike. i am out of shape. i followed the boat, a mother figure and a young girl up a hill at my own pace. let me tell you. maybe its because i've been a smoker my whole life...not the cigarette kind. the olympics put some stress and weight on my little system. and maybe it's the fact that i'm a stoner living in the city with a car...its not all its cut out to be. actually, its nothing that i actually want myself to be.
i'm surrounded by open sky, distant mountains and trees that sigh as if they're doing all they can in the harsh conditions. mamma arapa runs like a hawk flies. while pearl gallops everywhere, her legs floppitty flopp as she tries to keep up with mamma. i place my hands on my knees as i struggle to breathe. i cough but nothing comes loose. i just wheeze. remember when i grew up in the bush and ran everywhere and up any hill...maybe these hills aren't the same? or maybe i'm ridiculous. i breathe and try to slow my heart rate. blood rushes to my head and i keep walking.
at the top i see sky for miles. distant mountains with clouds pouring snow on them. mountains for miles.
i'm now spending a night in a room with an oxygen can in my hand. my head hurts a little and i'm getting on a train tomorrow at 12. i have just made a decision that changes everything. i'm taking the road less traveled. i'm making the hard decision to not take the easy road. because in the end the hard road gets easier while the easy road gets a whole lot harder. my head hurts because my heart wants to do something and the rest of me is slowly taking the steps to get there. the very fact that the slow easy road has made me unable to breathe walking up a mountain just wont do.
i am now away from that place and wanting to go back. but i have to settle up here. i have to make sure that this choice that i am making is made right. made with a conscious mind and heart.
the journey awaits
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