I love this song.
Burial - Archangel
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong
It's not why I trust you trust if I trust you
If I trust you if I trust you if I trust you
If I trust you if I trust you if I trust you
If I trust you trust
Tell me I belong
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong
Holding you holding you holding you
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Morning
The way to keep a healthy happy mind is to do things. HA. whodda thunk.
I have to try to stop rhyming. It started yesterday on my last post. But its crazy to think in rhymes all the time. Although fun. its a bit much. but yesterday was just one of those days.
Today its yoga early am. After I was finally able to sleep last night. I am up early and on my way to yoga. yessss
Then I'm leaving on a jet plane. Dont know when I"ll be back again. But i'll be here ready to pounce thats a matter of fact. Just South on a road so windy and dry where the sea splashes up to the sky.
ok.
If anyone is listening...doesn't really matter. thanks for being a great outlet. Tori Amos.
love
I have to try to stop rhyming. It started yesterday on my last post. But its crazy to think in rhymes all the time. Although fun. its a bit much. but yesterday was just one of those days.
Today its yoga early am. After I was finally able to sleep last night. I am up early and on my way to yoga. yessss
Then I'm leaving on a jet plane. Dont know when I"ll be back again. But i'll be here ready to pounce thats a matter of fact. Just South on a road so windy and dry where the sea splashes up to the sky.
ok.
If anyone is listening...doesn't really matter. thanks for being a great outlet. Tori Amos.
love
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
You treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
I tried to say
To not consume me in that way
I don't want to see my fears in you
No way.
Future is important
But our present is today
You are my love my only
Forgive me for being so gay
When I wake I think of you
You and only you
Clearly I'm madly
In love with you
I chose my life
I chose my way
Let me have a chance
Let me have a say
I'm never letting go
Of something so great
You can have your time
Oh but I will wait
Today is the day
That I am going away
For fear of bringing out
Something you'll never let stay
I wish and pray
That you'll let me in one day
Maybe not tomorrow
But maybe in some way
What we shared is real
It's something that can last
Although we struggle for independence
We must forgive our past
You are my shadow
My reflection so clear
When I dont see you
I know you are near
I love me
To not consume me in that way
I don't want to see my fears in you
No way.
Future is important
But our present is today
You are my love my only
Forgive me for being so gay
When I wake I think of you
You and only you
Clearly I'm madly
In love with you
I chose my life
I chose my way
Let me have a chance
Let me have a say
I'm never letting go
Of something so great
You can have your time
Oh but I will wait
Today is the day
That I am going away
For fear of bringing out
Something you'll never let stay
I wish and pray
That you'll let me in one day
Maybe not tomorrow
But maybe in some way
What we shared is real
It's something that can last
Although we struggle for independence
We must forgive our past
You are my shadow
My reflection so clear
When I dont see you
I know you are near
I love me
Debussy: suite bergamasque, L75 - clair de lune
Smile. For life is a gift. Love is a treat and companionship is a meal. Feed your soul. Rest your eyes. I believe.
Recently communication has been breaking down all around me. For months it never existed. In so many people's lives. Then we're left standing in the middle of a desert listening to Debussy or goreki's symphony #3- opus 36. Imagine a helicopter shot, circling a young girl. Her hand extended, a tear falling from her eye.
She holds a key in her left hand and a book in the right. Leave her alone, something tells you. The book has a drawing on it. You are drawn to the book. The book opens to show the subconscious past, a place where all your trauma and fears lie. A place of reminders, a strong powerful place, you've never been able to express.
You want to protect the girl. Take her from this place, hold her tight and tell her not to cry. Feed her soul...but you're afraid. Because she holds the key, the past, your fears. You walk away only to find yourself in the same place you came from, only you're the only one standing in the desert alive. bodies surround you with bleeding hearts. They look familiar to you, people you know, they just lay there. Abandoned, much like yourself. Nobody to heal their bleeding hearts.
Turn. Run as fast as you can. Faster and faster. Until a voice stops you and tells you it will be alright. I've been in your shoes. You sigh. You're not alone. As the years go on you end up standing in front of the child again. Scared, fearful, alone. The child opens her arms to welcome you. You run.
Recently communication has been breaking down all around me. For months it never existed. In so many people's lives. Then we're left standing in the middle of a desert listening to Debussy or goreki's symphony #3- opus 36. Imagine a helicopter shot, circling a young girl. Her hand extended, a tear falling from her eye.
She holds a key in her left hand and a book in the right. Leave her alone, something tells you. The book has a drawing on it. You are drawn to the book. The book opens to show the subconscious past, a place where all your trauma and fears lie. A place of reminders, a strong powerful place, you've never been able to express.
You want to protect the girl. Take her from this place, hold her tight and tell her not to cry. Feed her soul...but you're afraid. Because she holds the key, the past, your fears. You walk away only to find yourself in the same place you came from, only you're the only one standing in the desert alive. bodies surround you with bleeding hearts. They look familiar to you, people you know, they just lay there. Abandoned, much like yourself. Nobody to heal their bleeding hearts.
Turn. Run as fast as you can. Faster and faster. Until a voice stops you and tells you it will be alright. I've been in your shoes. You sigh. You're not alone. As the years go on you end up standing in front of the child again. Scared, fearful, alone. The child opens her arms to welcome you. You run.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Life is changing. Its wonderful.
So i've been looking through one of my writing books. I tend to not finish a book before i start another. So i always have to go back and fill it in again...ahhhh. I came across one piece of writing that I remember writing so well. I dont remember why I wrote it. but it is exactly what i need right now. EXACTLY!
Check it out.
When you've lived with addiction, you learn some skills that set you apart. You learn to cover your ass. You learn to keep drugs close for strengthening purposes. You learn to recognize human behaviour. Never shut things off or shut someone out.
Remember human behaviour and know you can't change what we are. human. Recognize what is ours and only ours, and keep the bad from affecting others. Know you can't bring others into your hate, anger or security blanket. Even if they are willing. Its not fair. Its not fair to keep someone close on your own terms. You're only hurting them and in the end your terms wont be met.
Be honest. Show people who you are and who you could be. Good and bad. The ones with love will take that and work with it beside you to overcome or achieve. The ones with fear will push you away not understanding that being human is what makes you who you are. They will also keep you around maybe for a sense of control, for lack of a better word.
The ones with hate will throw you out. No matter how much you love them or they love you. You're not alive to them. No matter if you're a good person. They aren't human. But we're all human;)
be happy with who you are and what you've got. Even if you dont have anything there is a chance you could lose it.
Weird is a term often used to disregard. Forgetting to understand and educate.
Education is key. Life, books, school, death, drugs, hate, love, fear. Are all ways to learn. Learn what you will tolerate and challenge those limits.
Recognize hate and remove it from your actions.
Sharing is caring. Never hide from what you are, who you are or what you've done. Remember other peoples limits, respect and challenge them.
Dont sit by and let people hurt others. Stand up for the ones who nee help and can't help themselves. Its a sad world where people get cast aside. In this world, "Survival of the fittest." be the fittest and help the unfit.
Make goals. Achieve goals. Break goals. Only to figure out you can make more.
Believe in yourself and others. Trust everyone and no one. Except the people that are closest to you that you want to push away. They deserve your trust because they out of anyone have something you need to believe.
Selfishness is good and bad. Find the good and roll with it.
Everything is a contradiction when you understand. Don't not understand. You always know.
We are people and no one is any less important. Race, sex, sexual orientation, age, choices...are not good reasons to project hate and cause even more fear in the world.
Well there you go. Relevant at any point. especially now.
Thanks for writing this long time ago self.
Check it out.
When you've lived with addiction, you learn some skills that set you apart. You learn to cover your ass. You learn to keep drugs close for strengthening purposes. You learn to recognize human behaviour. Never shut things off or shut someone out.
Remember human behaviour and know you can't change what we are. human. Recognize what is ours and only ours, and keep the bad from affecting others. Know you can't bring others into your hate, anger or security blanket. Even if they are willing. Its not fair. Its not fair to keep someone close on your own terms. You're only hurting them and in the end your terms wont be met.
Be honest. Show people who you are and who you could be. Good and bad. The ones with love will take that and work with it beside you to overcome or achieve. The ones with fear will push you away not understanding that being human is what makes you who you are. They will also keep you around maybe for a sense of control, for lack of a better word.
The ones with hate will throw you out. No matter how much you love them or they love you. You're not alive to them. No matter if you're a good person. They aren't human. But we're all human;)
be happy with who you are and what you've got. Even if you dont have anything there is a chance you could lose it.
Weird is a term often used to disregard. Forgetting to understand and educate.
Education is key. Life, books, school, death, drugs, hate, love, fear. Are all ways to learn. Learn what you will tolerate and challenge those limits.
Recognize hate and remove it from your actions.
Sharing is caring. Never hide from what you are, who you are or what you've done. Remember other peoples limits, respect and challenge them.
Dont sit by and let people hurt others. Stand up for the ones who nee help and can't help themselves. Its a sad world where people get cast aside. In this world, "Survival of the fittest." be the fittest and help the unfit.
Make goals. Achieve goals. Break goals. Only to figure out you can make more.
Believe in yourself and others. Trust everyone and no one. Except the people that are closest to you that you want to push away. They deserve your trust because they out of anyone have something you need to believe.
Selfishness is good and bad. Find the good and roll with it.
Everything is a contradiction when you understand. Don't not understand. You always know.
We are people and no one is any less important. Race, sex, sexual orientation, age, choices...are not good reasons to project hate and cause even more fear in the world.
Well there you go. Relevant at any point. especially now.
Thanks for writing this long time ago self.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Wowzers
Here we go. The fear in which we're faced with.
So I went to see one of my doctors. I'm pretty sure I want to get off of this horrible 'Lamotragine'. I'm faced with this...If I come off of it...I may become a vegetable. Although I love vegetables, I'm faced with fear. Do I listen to the fear? most people in my family and life think that I should. Although I still haven't seen my neurologist, that wont be till august 8th, I have been faced with BRICK walls of information. Of support from the western medical system. Being told things that go against this gut i've been learning to listen to religiously. I'm being told that i have the best neurologist in vancouver and he's worth listening to. But if you actually met this guy then you'd see or feel that he hardly looked at me. He seem holier than thou and made me feel as if he was the only one that knew the truth and the truth was his 'medical opinion' which i am supposed to live by.
Ok. Honestly. this advice from one of my doctors scared me. I have an ear infection and I'm vulnerable to bipolar feelings as this medication makes its way into my brain and actually stops activity. The bridges where my brain waves used to cross are no longer in use the way they were. So in a sense all of the natural healing and shamanism that i've lived for all my life has had to stop. The use of anything other than the 'systems' medications have come to a full stop. I know i need more opinions once i go for my reassessment. I'm in search of someone who is willing to give up what they 'know' for what they know is possible. I'm in search of a glimmer of hope. Something that i can hold onto and place in my heart of hearts in order to move through all of the salt lying on the table...in order to find my favourite condiment...the pepper. Also. the meds i'm on stop sodium from entering my brain..another interesting fact.
So there we go. I'm scared. Flat out. I know the power of the brain and i'm believing in a future of freedom from these chains of our society. My whole life i've tried to break free, only to be brought back, slingshotted back into a world without real security. One where life as it used to be is to be forgotten, now. We destroyed the natives in this continent because of the same reasons. Power. Control. If we can take our machines into places like the jungle in order to give sight to those who have lost it. We should be able to integrate a kind of spiritual natural healing that doesn't involve a god, or something of that kind. But rather our human capabilities. I believe in the power of love and the power of us. If only we knew that all of these things have been forgotten and they are what we used to be.
Suffice to say. My jedi wizard training has been put on hold. Maybe this is apart of the training. Although in the world i know. Seizures are initiations into the shamanic realm.
So I'm in search of someone in the medical profession that is going to hear my cries for freedom. I need a lwayer of sorts to prove that my brain is innocent until proven guilty. In order to save my life...I must believe.
Thanks for listening.
emotional wreck.
So I went to see one of my doctors. I'm pretty sure I want to get off of this horrible 'Lamotragine'. I'm faced with this...If I come off of it...I may become a vegetable. Although I love vegetables, I'm faced with fear. Do I listen to the fear? most people in my family and life think that I should. Although I still haven't seen my neurologist, that wont be till august 8th, I have been faced with BRICK walls of information. Of support from the western medical system. Being told things that go against this gut i've been learning to listen to religiously. I'm being told that i have the best neurologist in vancouver and he's worth listening to. But if you actually met this guy then you'd see or feel that he hardly looked at me. He seem holier than thou and made me feel as if he was the only one that knew the truth and the truth was his 'medical opinion' which i am supposed to live by.
Ok. Honestly. this advice from one of my doctors scared me. I have an ear infection and I'm vulnerable to bipolar feelings as this medication makes its way into my brain and actually stops activity. The bridges where my brain waves used to cross are no longer in use the way they were. So in a sense all of the natural healing and shamanism that i've lived for all my life has had to stop. The use of anything other than the 'systems' medications have come to a full stop. I know i need more opinions once i go for my reassessment. I'm in search of someone who is willing to give up what they 'know' for what they know is possible. I'm in search of a glimmer of hope. Something that i can hold onto and place in my heart of hearts in order to move through all of the salt lying on the table...in order to find my favourite condiment...the pepper. Also. the meds i'm on stop sodium from entering my brain..another interesting fact.
So there we go. I'm scared. Flat out. I know the power of the brain and i'm believing in a future of freedom from these chains of our society. My whole life i've tried to break free, only to be brought back, slingshotted back into a world without real security. One where life as it used to be is to be forgotten, now. We destroyed the natives in this continent because of the same reasons. Power. Control. If we can take our machines into places like the jungle in order to give sight to those who have lost it. We should be able to integrate a kind of spiritual natural healing that doesn't involve a god, or something of that kind. But rather our human capabilities. I believe in the power of love and the power of us. If only we knew that all of these things have been forgotten and they are what we used to be.
Suffice to say. My jedi wizard training has been put on hold. Maybe this is apart of the training. Although in the world i know. Seizures are initiations into the shamanic realm.
So I'm in search of someone in the medical profession that is going to hear my cries for freedom. I need a lwayer of sorts to prove that my brain is innocent until proven guilty. In order to save my life...I must believe.
Thanks for listening.
emotional wreck.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Ah HAH...the examinations we face
Hello lovelies.
I am here to talk. But we know that.
So if you've been along for the ride you'd know that i had some seizures. been on medication. Felt blocked, fell in love...living in cold and wet.
Now its warming up...still in full pj's though.
I'm faced with this conundrum. I'm in western society. (disclaimer for all those people who urge me to think about it and be careful. way ahead of you) I love what western medicine has to offer. I LOVE IT! I also dont love it. Like how someone could love nighttime but dislike the scary things that can come from it.
The medication I am on is also used for bipolar disorder. I dont know if anyone has ever been on an antidepressant before? they suck. They make me feel angry, irritable, The activity that helps my flag fly high is stifled by this thing hanging over me. Slowing me down. This medication stops the extreme ups and downs from happening in my brain. If you look into epilepsy in all forms, you'd see that there are a list of somewhat known causes. Read through them and tell me if you have any of these? because when i had the seizures I could have checked off every possible cause on the list.
Then i learn more about misdiagnosis with epilepsy and find out how much they actually know about seizures, its not much. Yes a lot. but Not as much as one like me would hope.
This all makes me think of my life, the thing i've been searching for the entire time. BALANCE. the libra in me is tipping the scale. The balance is now very much imbalanced. One sided. One dimensional.
so! what do i do about it now?
I'm getting the heck off of these meds. This life i'm in, this world is too important to me to have to take an anticonvulsant when my love and passion comes from this brain. I understand the consequences if there are any...but they'll all be great. Because its life, we manage it, we have ups and downs. We all get seizures (look into it, we do). This western medicine will help me with my health when needed. I honestly dont think i need their help with droning out the passion. Being a writer does that enough,) ha
so. august is the month. 6 months. I can in theory drive again. But i'm going to come off my meds. so probably not for a lot longer. But i dont care. I'll do it. life is for living. I'm cool, calm, collected. and would really love to get on with my life.
I haven't discussed it yet with the neuro docs...We can discuss it. I understand. But dont let them put the fear in you. We're human.
dear crazy
I am here to talk. But we know that.
So if you've been along for the ride you'd know that i had some seizures. been on medication. Felt blocked, fell in love...living in cold and wet.
Now its warming up...still in full pj's though.
I'm faced with this conundrum. I'm in western society. (disclaimer for all those people who urge me to think about it and be careful. way ahead of you) I love what western medicine has to offer. I LOVE IT! I also dont love it. Like how someone could love nighttime but dislike the scary things that can come from it.
The medication I am on is also used for bipolar disorder. I dont know if anyone has ever been on an antidepressant before? they suck. They make me feel angry, irritable, The activity that helps my flag fly high is stifled by this thing hanging over me. Slowing me down. This medication stops the extreme ups and downs from happening in my brain. If you look into epilepsy in all forms, you'd see that there are a list of somewhat known causes. Read through them and tell me if you have any of these? because when i had the seizures I could have checked off every possible cause on the list.
Then i learn more about misdiagnosis with epilepsy and find out how much they actually know about seizures, its not much. Yes a lot. but Not as much as one like me would hope.
This all makes me think of my life, the thing i've been searching for the entire time. BALANCE. the libra in me is tipping the scale. The balance is now very much imbalanced. One sided. One dimensional.
so! what do i do about it now?
I'm getting the heck off of these meds. This life i'm in, this world is too important to me to have to take an anticonvulsant when my love and passion comes from this brain. I understand the consequences if there are any...but they'll all be great. Because its life, we manage it, we have ups and downs. We all get seizures (look into it, we do). This western medicine will help me with my health when needed. I honestly dont think i need their help with droning out the passion. Being a writer does that enough,) ha
so. august is the month. 6 months. I can in theory drive again. But i'm going to come off my meds. so probably not for a lot longer. But i dont care. I'll do it. life is for living. I'm cool, calm, collected. and would really love to get on with my life.
I haven't discussed it yet with the neuro docs...We can discuss it. I understand. But dont let them put the fear in you. We're human.
dear crazy
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