I sit here in southern california looking off into the cloudy sky. Half blinded because of my new reading glasses. I must remember to take them off when I look into the distance...where I can actually see.
I've been dealing with headaches for long periods of time. I spend a lot of time in front of the computer. Writing, reading, staring...I have not given my eyes a break. When i'd sit and read a book my eyes would bounce around the page as if they were afraid to focus on one spot at one time. I thought maybe it was the pollution coming from the Los Angeles area i've been living in. I could see. I could read. so whats the big deal?
I saw the eye doctor and he said i've been trying too hard. The muscles in my eyes have been overworking their little selves. With only me to blame. Maybe the fact that I am regularly stoned forced my eyes to work 10x harder.
Although I do not know when the straining of my eye muscles started. I do know that its not only my eyes that have been trying too hard. My heart and my mind overwork all day long. Many things are happening around me that remind me of why i'm here with myself. I've taken it upon myself to be that true bitter martyr because I'm thinking too much.
Have you ever had thoughts in your head that you trusted so much that it hurt. Whatever happened to that feeling inside me that made me crazy with love. That feeling that I didn't care to think about. I've walked through some flames, but i've approached most of them with a team of experts inside me. Ones that sit in my brain with their protractors, rulers, compasses and calculators making sure that every step I take has the right answer.
Sometimes I dont think when I should. Sometimes I dont feel when the time is right.
One of my house mates is going through an interesting time. Honestly she freaks herself out because she never knows what her boyfriend is doing when they're not together and it drives her mad! Something that almost killed me once. I long for this feeling and I fear it like the plague. I understand what it is to lose trust, to lose something you care about.
I've always wanted to be with someone. I dont want marriage but I'd like some sort of commitment.
I've been sitting in one spot hoping to fall in love with someone that loves me back. I've been straining my heart because i've thought myself out of love so many times. I'm better off alone. I've got a career I need to focus on. All thoughts that come from my head but make my heart feel like it said it. What my heart says is true but my mind has learned to throw its voice...I guess.
I feel as if I need to not recognize anything, not think about anything. Because thinking used to protect me, but then it hurt be when it left. Which is why balancing your thoughts and feelings is necessary. This is what I tell myself...but what part of me is supposed to listen.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Today is a day like any other. Not really
Ah today. I haven't talked to you in a while and I've kept my distance because I was in a very angry space. Funny how life does that to you. Now I'm feeling a lot better. Things seem to be going my way, the way they always do. Especially with a passion in my heart like mine.
I have written many things. Many of them sit in a box in my parents storage. Many of them sit with me on this computer. But one in particular. A journey of a girl. A thought provoking piece of a girl living life. The way she needs it to be. The raw reality of trying to survive in unknown territory. Exploring what we do not know within ourselves.
This story is getting published. This story is leaving the box. Jumping onto that fast moving train south to where the sun shines so that it can live on forever. Although I don't expect everything I can only hope for something. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel as if I will no longer just write to loved ones and friends. Instead I get to feel what its like to give my story a life of its own. Its not under my wing. It is not under my control what happens to it. Although I will have to do a lot of my own pushing. I am excited.
I am excited to feel insecure and who knows what? I'm excited to not know what is going to happen next. My life has always been like that but now one of my babies gets to go somewhere I have never been. I don't want to think about this one. I want to let my mind go. I've been so full of thoughts that I just think myself into a dark place, in and out of good things. I want a happy give and take of my thoughts and feelings on this. One can anticipate the other, ebb and flow together. Because this is clearly unchartered waters for me. And I'm excited to feel what I think when I'm going through this journey.
Today is like any other. Not because I've done it before or thought about this for a long time. But because I can actually feel again. My heart softens and opens.
breathe. listen. sigh.)
I have written many things. Many of them sit in a box in my parents storage. Many of them sit with me on this computer. But one in particular. A journey of a girl. A thought provoking piece of a girl living life. The way she needs it to be. The raw reality of trying to survive in unknown territory. Exploring what we do not know within ourselves.
This story is getting published. This story is leaving the box. Jumping onto that fast moving train south to where the sun shines so that it can live on forever. Although I don't expect everything I can only hope for something. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel as if I will no longer just write to loved ones and friends. Instead I get to feel what its like to give my story a life of its own. Its not under my wing. It is not under my control what happens to it. Although I will have to do a lot of my own pushing. I am excited.
I am excited to feel insecure and who knows what? I'm excited to not know what is going to happen next. My life has always been like that but now one of my babies gets to go somewhere I have never been. I don't want to think about this one. I want to let my mind go. I've been so full of thoughts that I just think myself into a dark place, in and out of good things. I want a happy give and take of my thoughts and feelings on this. One can anticipate the other, ebb and flow together. Because this is clearly unchartered waters for me. And I'm excited to feel what I think when I'm going through this journey.
Today is like any other. Not because I've done it before or thought about this for a long time. But because I can actually feel again. My heart softens and opens.
breathe. listen. sigh.)
Sunday, May 16, 2010
how my new life began
hello
i've had a very interesting few months. i've been learning a new set of skills. i'm really harnessing the true goodness in the world. health. on this journey into the mind, body and soul i've come across negative and positive energy. emotions. realizations. observations.
as i sit filling my ipod i feel everything in my body. the aches ache because i welcomed the pain. i've been learning acupressure massage. personally i have been to many treatments myself and they have changed my life. especially the tummy work called chi nei tsang. its a type of massage for the vital organs. i didn't know at the time of my first massage that i'm holding all my negative thoughts and feelings in my organs. or rather my organs are troubled by situations in life. my lungs, my heart, just like me. turns out our pipes in our body that feed our organs life, get plugged up with gunk, just like the pipes in your house. the organs suffer from not only this but that sad feeling i felt that i never really dealt with when i was 7. learning how to snowboard and falling on my ass for years and years. then to find out, these feelings and light injuries have been affecting my body this whole time. giving me pain, which turns to frustration and anger, depression and fear. all needing to be flushed and digested.
my body like most other peoples are compensating for un-digested emotions and injuries. have you ever stubbed your toe and bitten your lip so as to not scream. our body feels things like that everyday. but we dont notice. my body told itself to deal with it because i'm clearly not going to be able to fix it the way i go about things.
so what have i been doing? well. i've been practicing chi kung and many other healing activities not only to help myself but to maybe find a way to perfect my inner health and inner smile.
how many people have ever smiled at their liver? or stomach? how many people have taken deep breaths into their sides?
i want you to imagine a smiling face of someone you love. now smile back at them. smile into yourself. close your eyes and try it after this. smile into yourself. smile into your belly. smile into your kidneys. breathe into your belly and activate your diaphragm pushing your belly and tummy out. now smile into your heart. relax and breathe. smiling. smiling into yourself...go for it.
i've had a very interesting few months. i've been learning a new set of skills. i'm really harnessing the true goodness in the world. health. on this journey into the mind, body and soul i've come across negative and positive energy. emotions. realizations. observations.
as i sit filling my ipod i feel everything in my body. the aches ache because i welcomed the pain. i've been learning acupressure massage. personally i have been to many treatments myself and they have changed my life. especially the tummy work called chi nei tsang. its a type of massage for the vital organs. i didn't know at the time of my first massage that i'm holding all my negative thoughts and feelings in my organs. or rather my organs are troubled by situations in life. my lungs, my heart, just like me. turns out our pipes in our body that feed our organs life, get plugged up with gunk, just like the pipes in your house. the organs suffer from not only this but that sad feeling i felt that i never really dealt with when i was 7. learning how to snowboard and falling on my ass for years and years. then to find out, these feelings and light injuries have been affecting my body this whole time. giving me pain, which turns to frustration and anger, depression and fear. all needing to be flushed and digested.
my body like most other peoples are compensating for un-digested emotions and injuries. have you ever stubbed your toe and bitten your lip so as to not scream. our body feels things like that everyday. but we dont notice. my body told itself to deal with it because i'm clearly not going to be able to fix it the way i go about things.
so what have i been doing? well. i've been practicing chi kung and many other healing activities not only to help myself but to maybe find a way to perfect my inner health and inner smile.
how many people have ever smiled at their liver? or stomach? how many people have taken deep breaths into their sides?
i want you to imagine a smiling face of someone you love. now smile back at them. smile into yourself. close your eyes and try it after this. smile into yourself. smile into your belly. smile into your kidneys. breathe into your belly and activate your diaphragm pushing your belly and tummy out. now smile into your heart. relax and breathe. smiling. smiling into yourself...go for it.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
the adventures of twiggy and the boat
i am finding simplicity. maybe i've only found the simp. but i see the licity.
i went on a hike. i am out of shape. i followed the boat, a mother figure and a young girl up a hill at my own pace. let me tell you. maybe its because i've been a smoker my whole life...not the cigarette kind. the olympics put some stress and weight on my little system. and maybe it's the fact that i'm a stoner living in the city with a car...its not all its cut out to be. actually, its nothing that i actually want myself to be.
i'm surrounded by open sky, distant mountains and trees that sigh as if they're doing all they can in the harsh conditions. mamma arapa runs like a hawk flies. while pearl gallops everywhere, her legs floppitty flopp as she tries to keep up with mamma. i place my hands on my knees as i struggle to breathe. i cough but nothing comes loose. i just wheeze. remember when i grew up in the bush and ran everywhere and up any hill...maybe these hills aren't the same? or maybe i'm ridiculous. i breathe and try to slow my heart rate. blood rushes to my head and i keep walking.
at the top i see sky for miles. distant mountains with clouds pouring snow on them. mountains for miles.
i'm now spending a night in a room with an oxygen can in my hand. my head hurts a little and i'm getting on a train tomorrow at 12. i have just made a decision that changes everything. i'm taking the road less traveled. i'm making the hard decision to not take the easy road. because in the end the hard road gets easier while the easy road gets a whole lot harder. my head hurts because my heart wants to do something and the rest of me is slowly taking the steps to get there. the very fact that the slow easy road has made me unable to breathe walking up a mountain just wont do.
i am now away from that place and wanting to go back. but i have to settle up here. i have to make sure that this choice that i am making is made right. made with a conscious mind and heart.
the journey awaits
i went on a hike. i am out of shape. i followed the boat, a mother figure and a young girl up a hill at my own pace. let me tell you. maybe its because i've been a smoker my whole life...not the cigarette kind. the olympics put some stress and weight on my little system. and maybe it's the fact that i'm a stoner living in the city with a car...its not all its cut out to be. actually, its nothing that i actually want myself to be.
i'm surrounded by open sky, distant mountains and trees that sigh as if they're doing all they can in the harsh conditions. mamma arapa runs like a hawk flies. while pearl gallops everywhere, her legs floppitty flopp as she tries to keep up with mamma. i place my hands on my knees as i struggle to breathe. i cough but nothing comes loose. i just wheeze. remember when i grew up in the bush and ran everywhere and up any hill...maybe these hills aren't the same? or maybe i'm ridiculous. i breathe and try to slow my heart rate. blood rushes to my head and i keep walking.
at the top i see sky for miles. distant mountains with clouds pouring snow on them. mountains for miles.
i'm now spending a night in a room with an oxygen can in my hand. my head hurts a little and i'm getting on a train tomorrow at 12. i have just made a decision that changes everything. i'm taking the road less traveled. i'm making the hard decision to not take the easy road. because in the end the hard road gets easier while the easy road gets a whole lot harder. my head hurts because my heart wants to do something and the rest of me is slowly taking the steps to get there. the very fact that the slow easy road has made me unable to breathe walking up a mountain just wont do.
i am now away from that place and wanting to go back. but i have to settle up here. i have to make sure that this choice that i am making is made right. made with a conscious mind and heart.
the journey awaits
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
hipsy caravan
this journey is all about change. i'm learning the meaning of trade. such a powerful tool. where money is of no use. your skills are really put to the test. i am a little choked that i wasn't able to learn the basic hippie skills earlier...instead i was a working class hippie at festivals...things like hoola hooping like a girl, poi, hemp rope for jewelry...etc. ..all of these things are new to me...have you ever heard of solar bowling?
been coming across a few animals and rocks that are teaching me the meaning of time. slow down and take it all in.
i have a magnifying glass, a rubix cube, a tent, pen and paper...oh and some new little rocks.
.)
been coming across a few animals and rocks that are teaching me the meaning of time. slow down and take it all in.
i have a magnifying glass, a rubix cube, a tent, pen and paper...oh and some new little rocks.
.)
Sunday, February 14, 2010
panic on the streets of london
the olympics are here and so am i.
grrr.
i spent the better part of last year learning a lot about myself because i had the time and passion to do so. it also seemed like a matter of life or death. have you ever done something that makes you full of panic and anxiety? because of my drug use i was able to ignore these signs for most of my life. i started to smoke weed in high school because i was the person that would be different so others didn't have to be. i was a pillar of strength for most, but not for myself. ten years go by and i'm in a state of complete panic. so i forced myself to change and find out what it was that i was missing.
i talked a little about my soul in an earlier post. my soul is the direct connection to my inner child. the child whose dreams are possible, if you just take it one step at a time and be true to yourself. when you're living the life of a soul you tend to fly around without armour or padding, i've never known what its like to fly so high. what i didn't know is that although you are letting your soul fly so high it can almost reach the stars, you still have to remember your mind and body. which is why you must never fly without protection.
the last six months my soul has been free. which meant that i was neglecting my body. which i chose to forget now that i think about it. i am stubborn and i love to eat whatever i want. each day that passed i felt heavier and heavier. i wasn't fat! although my body felt like i had gained a million pounds. i knew that my life without cleansing myself of any food and drink toxins was catching up with me. as the months rolled on i knew that everything i was putting in my body was dripping with guilt and candida. which made me eat more. until finally i was out of town and came down with a horrible head cold brought on by my sugar consumption. i asked for it. when will i ever learn before its too late?
it was christmas time and i was stuck in another country with a head cold that made it very hard to listen to anyone speak, let alone listen to myself think. so i slept. i spent a couple of days in bed sweating it out. i wanted to fly home to be able to enjoy the family festivities but i was not able to, because if i went up in a plane my head would have exploded. as the days went on i needed to eat, but i needed to make sure that i ate healthy.
i knew that i had to eliminate certain things because every time i would put something in my body that wasn't supposed to be there. i was slingshotted back into hell. food, sugar, wheat, coffee, weed. candida is a hell of a monster to feed. if you leave it hungry it will eat you alive. or as i found out. you will eat yourself to death. i eventually made it home because i eliminated all of these things from my diet. my head started to clear and i was able to make it back for christmas eve. i was not pain free, but i knew what had to be done in the coming days.
i spent the next week rebelling from this idea that i had to stop eating and drinking things that were so good and so bad for me. i binged. then january came around and i made a commitment to myself. i had to go on a candida cleanse, one that i have committed to for a whole year. so i did it. i did well, for the month of january.
as most of you know, the olympics are now in vancouver. i have been waiting for them to come and go since the day i quit my old job 6 months ago. i was given the heads up on a job for the olympics, working for a major television corporation. doing exactly what i had done in my other jobs, only a little different. so the last 6 months i have been waiting for them to come and go so i can get on with my life. now they are here and i've been working for over 15 days. two days ago the games began. about 20 days ago i had some panic attacks much like the ones i am having today and a lot like the ones that allowed me to recognize that i needed to quit my other job. ones that make me think irrational thoughts of destruction and hate. i have not been cleansing my body because i've been slowly losing the will to survive while being in this job. this job being my gig to end all gigs, the coup de gras. which means i must hold on until the end. i owe it to myself to do so. the olympics for me has to be a celebration of a life i have lived. as a child i wanted to swim in the olympics, but maybe when i wished to be in them i wasn't specific and here i am today...in the olympics.
i chose not to have any opinion on the games and what they have done to vancouver. i'm just here to collect my paycheck and hang my head...remembering that i've lived a life like the others in these games and i am on my way out. i just have to pay my respects to an old lover.
during this time of work i have felt the need to consume foods that are full of candida. they make me very heavy and emotional. everything i eat feeds the need for instant gratification and soon turns into guilt. which then turns into obsession and addiction. i'm noticing that by not drinking enough water and eating crap my body tells my soul and my mind that i am clearly unhappy. i went from doing yoga everyday and eating only meat and veg to eating nothing but butter, wheat, and sugar. i have slowly started to become numb to the outside world which turns my mind into a crazy person because its more powerful than numbness. i am noticing the power behind things like aspartame. something that i had noticed a few months ago but i had eliminated it from my diet and was unable to see first hand what it did. i have made my body so sensitive by eliminating the bad things that now when i consume bad things my body will give me a read out on what is going on. although i tend to read it and it magically self destructs so i can never read it again. allowing me to forget what i just learned. when i forget i get anxious and i eat more.
today i will slowly get myself back on track. i understand the power behind the foods that we put into our bodies. i know that just because i can doesn't mean that i should and that is ok. although i am 'stuck' in this job for another 20 days i have to work every second to not consume things that help candida live. nor can i have things that block my energy. i just fear that when i stop the things that i am doing wrong while im in the thing thats giving me stress, i may just jump off a cliff. i must balance my diet, my mind and my soul. because i am on the verge of a nervous break down.
food is a necessity of life. we all need it to survive. everything that we eat changes the vibration our body transmits. so, for myself, i need to remember that although everything that is food is edible. it is not good for the connection of my being. i must make sure that i eat what i am supposed to eat and only that. because when i do not eat healthy i go crazy. i'm sure i am not the only one in the world with this problem. be careful with what you put in your body because it will control everything that you do.
thanks.
grrr.
i spent the better part of last year learning a lot about myself because i had the time and passion to do so. it also seemed like a matter of life or death. have you ever done something that makes you full of panic and anxiety? because of my drug use i was able to ignore these signs for most of my life. i started to smoke weed in high school because i was the person that would be different so others didn't have to be. i was a pillar of strength for most, but not for myself. ten years go by and i'm in a state of complete panic. so i forced myself to change and find out what it was that i was missing.
i talked a little about my soul in an earlier post. my soul is the direct connection to my inner child. the child whose dreams are possible, if you just take it one step at a time and be true to yourself. when you're living the life of a soul you tend to fly around without armour or padding, i've never known what its like to fly so high. what i didn't know is that although you are letting your soul fly so high it can almost reach the stars, you still have to remember your mind and body. which is why you must never fly without protection.
the last six months my soul has been free. which meant that i was neglecting my body. which i chose to forget now that i think about it. i am stubborn and i love to eat whatever i want. each day that passed i felt heavier and heavier. i wasn't fat! although my body felt like i had gained a million pounds. i knew that my life without cleansing myself of any food and drink toxins was catching up with me. as the months rolled on i knew that everything i was putting in my body was dripping with guilt and candida. which made me eat more. until finally i was out of town and came down with a horrible head cold brought on by my sugar consumption. i asked for it. when will i ever learn before its too late?
it was christmas time and i was stuck in another country with a head cold that made it very hard to listen to anyone speak, let alone listen to myself think. so i slept. i spent a couple of days in bed sweating it out. i wanted to fly home to be able to enjoy the family festivities but i was not able to, because if i went up in a plane my head would have exploded. as the days went on i needed to eat, but i needed to make sure that i ate healthy.
i knew that i had to eliminate certain things because every time i would put something in my body that wasn't supposed to be there. i was slingshotted back into hell. food, sugar, wheat, coffee, weed. candida is a hell of a monster to feed. if you leave it hungry it will eat you alive. or as i found out. you will eat yourself to death. i eventually made it home because i eliminated all of these things from my diet. my head started to clear and i was able to make it back for christmas eve. i was not pain free, but i knew what had to be done in the coming days.
i spent the next week rebelling from this idea that i had to stop eating and drinking things that were so good and so bad for me. i binged. then january came around and i made a commitment to myself. i had to go on a candida cleanse, one that i have committed to for a whole year. so i did it. i did well, for the month of january.
as most of you know, the olympics are now in vancouver. i have been waiting for them to come and go since the day i quit my old job 6 months ago. i was given the heads up on a job for the olympics, working for a major television corporation. doing exactly what i had done in my other jobs, only a little different. so the last 6 months i have been waiting for them to come and go so i can get on with my life. now they are here and i've been working for over 15 days. two days ago the games began. about 20 days ago i had some panic attacks much like the ones i am having today and a lot like the ones that allowed me to recognize that i needed to quit my other job. ones that make me think irrational thoughts of destruction and hate. i have not been cleansing my body because i've been slowly losing the will to survive while being in this job. this job being my gig to end all gigs, the coup de gras. which means i must hold on until the end. i owe it to myself to do so. the olympics for me has to be a celebration of a life i have lived. as a child i wanted to swim in the olympics, but maybe when i wished to be in them i wasn't specific and here i am today...in the olympics.
i chose not to have any opinion on the games and what they have done to vancouver. i'm just here to collect my paycheck and hang my head...remembering that i've lived a life like the others in these games and i am on my way out. i just have to pay my respects to an old lover.
during this time of work i have felt the need to consume foods that are full of candida. they make me very heavy and emotional. everything i eat feeds the need for instant gratification and soon turns into guilt. which then turns into obsession and addiction. i'm noticing that by not drinking enough water and eating crap my body tells my soul and my mind that i am clearly unhappy. i went from doing yoga everyday and eating only meat and veg to eating nothing but butter, wheat, and sugar. i have slowly started to become numb to the outside world which turns my mind into a crazy person because its more powerful than numbness. i am noticing the power behind things like aspartame. something that i had noticed a few months ago but i had eliminated it from my diet and was unable to see first hand what it did. i have made my body so sensitive by eliminating the bad things that now when i consume bad things my body will give me a read out on what is going on. although i tend to read it and it magically self destructs so i can never read it again. allowing me to forget what i just learned. when i forget i get anxious and i eat more.
today i will slowly get myself back on track. i understand the power behind the foods that we put into our bodies. i know that just because i can doesn't mean that i should and that is ok. although i am 'stuck' in this job for another 20 days i have to work every second to not consume things that help candida live. nor can i have things that block my energy. i just fear that when i stop the things that i am doing wrong while im in the thing thats giving me stress, i may just jump off a cliff. i must balance my diet, my mind and my soul. because i am on the verge of a nervous break down.
food is a necessity of life. we all need it to survive. everything that we eat changes the vibration our body transmits. so, for myself, i need to remember that although everything that is food is edible. it is not good for the connection of my being. i must make sure that i eat what i am supposed to eat and only that. because when i do not eat healthy i go crazy. i'm sure i am not the only one in the world with this problem. be careful with what you put in your body because it will control everything that you do.
thanks.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
