Turkey soup

Turkey is amazing. I love turkey. Turkey is saving my life during this dieta..

I've found that being in america isn't really the best place for a diet of this sort. The energy of the people around you. It makes you crazy. People live in fear. They project rules on you. They also feel like if they slowly implement one rule here and one rule there. Everyone wont notice the complete domination of a society.

One thing that almost threw me over the edge today was when I was forced to go through hoops because people aren't held accountable for their own stupidity. If you have been a victim of fraud and you lost money because you sent some money to someone you have never even met..only to lose this money. THAT IS YOUR FAULT. NOT MINE. Not anyone else's. No. The very fact that we set up these hoops for regular honest people to go through makes me just want to commit a crime.

I'm a little bit over the fear mongering that happens here.

I just want to know if people are willing to fight for their rights? or if they'll want to live in a silent protest or something non violent? Because if you aren't willing to FIGHT and truly kick some ass for your right to LIVE and be HUMAN...then you're doing yourself a disservice.

although i may not be very specific. I'm sure that anyone who has been in the USA in the last few years would know about the things they're making you do. When you get on a plane. do you get pat down? or scanned by some machine that probably hardens your pineal gland? or who knows what else? well you have to now. you're forced to. When you drive up to an airport how will you feel when they pull you over. search your car, because they can, and you miss your flight? because thats whats going on. What happens when one day you are no longer able to live in your home because someone deems the area unsafe because of some threat? How will you feel if you lived in a world much like George Orwells 1984?

I'm a loving and caring person. With a great imagination. But this is not my imagination. These things are happening everyday. Your rights are going away and you're just going to let them.

this dieta is hard for me. USA isn't the place for one. Canada was easier because the fear isn't so great and there aren't as many people. Here. it wasn't built for freeing your mind and getting in touch with what you're really made of...well. california...

the turkey saved my life and probably many others. I can't believe what i went through.

sigh .(

I love mornings

So i know i was talking about how i can't somehow handle the time in between sleeping. I may have lied. I love my waking life. Especially the morning.

The dieta is doing me some good.

Another Dieta Day

Sleeping has never been hard for me. Its before and after that normally is. Some of my friends think I should be in a sleep study. One of my friends should be in there with me and I'd be the control study. He'd be the one they'd study for insomnia. Him and I are so alike and so the opposite. Our eating habits, sleeping habits, bathing habits, sex, drugs, rock and roll habits.

Him and I are doing the ceremony together again. We were at the last one together on the Island and now we're down south with the same Shaman.

I live with two dogs right now that I dont really like all the time. Which is really strange for me because I love animals! It has only ever happened once before and it was the owner that I absolutely did not care for. This time it still doesn't really have anything to do with the dogs though its more the owners of the dogs. A complete reflection of them it seems. Their inability to just be adults when necessary, they're uncontrollable even to themselves, always to be watched in case they do something they're not supposed to. Although these roomies are old in some aspects, in most they're still on a level I am not. Something I'm still getting used to with people so close. Normally I need people my own dimensional age. I just dont like the fact that at any moment I may have to reprimand a dog or the owner for something they can't help doing.

I dislike having to watch people.

One of them goes completely against my feminine being. He is rude constantly and asks for things in a way that NO ONE should ever ask for anything. He uses terms like "I hate you, you fucking bitch." while asking for things that he needs her to do...be because he's made her dependent on him and him dependent on her through breaking her down first. He's so young. Then she'll just do the things he asks and tells me that he's always been like that and she likes doing things for him.

I understand doing something for someone. I love the idea of making someone I love something they want or need. But I don't think i've known anyone that would put up with that kind of language towards them. Most of the men i've asked think that if they were to say that to one of their girlfriends the girl would never. EVER. put up with that. So why does she? self esteem? both of them it seems.

I've used these terms with love through redefining the way we use them. Only then can they be made positive. Which is what Vote Love For Hate really means. Use your words with good intensions. When I use hate its normally towards my best friend and I only hate her because I love her so much. She'll do things for me that make me so happy I have to HATE her I love her so much.

Its a really hard lesson for me to learn because I've put up with it for quite a while and now that my platonic life partner and I are on the same page with recognizing the ridiculous behaviour I'm very much over it. I don't care for it, I don't want to see it. I'm not willing to talk anyone through it. If they're going to keep it up. Thats the big lesson I'm having to learn right now.

What is ok to just sit back and watch? At what point do you stand up for human kind and demand for people to grow up and get out of their insecure ways of treating others. Especially women. I seem to be surrounded by men that will not talk to women even when the woman is in charge. Its as if they'll only talk to other guys because guys know best? this is a struggle I never thought I'd have to go through. Its the southern experience. I'm from the north west and these people, not all, are from the south east. Completely different worlds. Completely different lives, television is their friend, health isn't conscious, stress kills, dimensional levels are strained...is this really what america is doing to themselves? limiting their growth through stepping into becoming grown children.

All I ask. Now that I'm aware. Is grow up. Be an adult. Argue in private. Be genuinely nice to people. Everyone is equal. Love yourself. Live your life. Stop stressing about NOTHING!

OH MY GOODNESS. look at my rant. Again. My sleep was great. Its the awake part that I struggle with. I can't wait for the Purge. I have many things to get out.

.)

Dieta Starts today

My Dieta starts today. Its very basic. Nothing stimulating, no television, very little computer, although i seem to have to still work and the computer is my work. No salt, sugar...just brown rice, meat and veg. I'm going to be making a chicken stock soon. for my natural salt. so I can absorb my liquids. only water and roiboos yummy.


I'll be reading a lot. Which is nice. Right now I'm reading Veronika decides to Die by Paulo Coelho. A very nice read. I'm excited to finish it in the next few days. Maybe even today if I lay around as much as I hope. I'll then hopefully start the Cosmic Serpent. I've started it many times before and still don't really know what its about. But i'm excited to start it again and finally get whats going on inside of it.

Have a great day.

Get your eyes checked. Reading glasses changed my life.

Interesting Vacation

I understand why I was put on this earth. I'm learning slowly how to create change within myself through many different means. It seems to be working. I believe that everything I have ever wanted has been slowly coming to me...but in a way I would have never expected. I'm finally learning what it means to love and be loved truly and unconditionally. I'm learning what it means to feel the right kind of feeling, and think the right kind of thought. Although some VIP have said that there may not be a right or wrong. I still believe there is. In my big scheme of things, and so far its worked out for me.

I'm about to embark on another Ceremony. One that involves ayahuasca. Something you'll just have to look up if you want to understand it. The last time I was apart of a ceremony like this I had a shift inside me. I of course was already on the verge of a major shift, but it shifted something big nonetheless. I understood how much I could love something I didn't actually like all that much. People mainly. At the time of the last ceremony I was just out of a major sobriety stint and I had a mind that felt again. Something I hadn't done in a long time. In the 'right' kind of way.

But then some things happened in my life after the ceremony. I was so focused on my past that the present and future happened and I was stuck thinking How the heck did i get here? and why did I put myself and others through this if I knew, I KNEW darn well what was going on inside me. Well. I dont know why I did it? I think it was because I was bored of my life and where I was at the time. I hope to never use people to pass the time ever again. I hope that I never use anyone like that ever again...also I hope I dont get used like that again either...but I dont mind if we have a little fun exploring. Learning. Living...Although this time...i'm going to be Honest with myself. Fully. If I feel bad things from now on. I'm going to understand that its DANGER in front of me...NOT LOVE...silly. DANGER. I will not think my way through it...I will live through it and come out understanding my place in this world.

Since my last ceremony I've moved south. I travel all the time, to places I've always wanted to go. My career is exactly where I've always hoped it would be, blossoming. I have come across people that really don't have what it takes to be in my life. I understand this because they make something inside me turn rancid. Something I've ignored my whole ENTIRE LIFE! now that i'm at the beginning of my saturn return and i'm not struggling to find out what i'm doing with my life. I know that its going to be a hard journey into letting my life lead without too much feeling. without too much thought. Only the thoughts that keep me moving forward in the 'right' direction...even if that direction is sideways. So this ceremony is important to me. i will remember my loved ones and remove my strings. Remove the things I no longer need. And plant seeds where they once were in order for new things to grow and flourish.

Thank you so much for the love that I feel. There are a lot of people out there that I should thank for helping me find the Love I've always had inside.

Thanks VACATION! Skiing is the best

Ps. I quit smoking weed. So proud. My life is forever different.

the life I am living today

I sit here in southern california looking off into the cloudy sky. Half blinded because of my new reading glasses. I must remember to take them off when I look into the distance...where I can actually see.

I've been dealing with headaches for long periods of time. I spend a lot of time in front of the computer. Writing, reading, staring...I have not given my eyes a break. When i'd sit and read a book my eyes would bounce around the page as if they were afraid to focus on one spot at one time. I thought maybe it was the pollution coming from the Los Angeles area i've been living in. I could see. I could read. so whats the big deal?

I saw the eye doctor and he said i've been trying too hard. The muscles in my eyes have been overworking their little selves. With only me to blame. Maybe the fact that I am regularly stoned forced my eyes to work 10x harder.

Although I do not know when the straining of my eye muscles started. I do know that its not only my eyes that have been trying too hard. My heart and my mind overwork all day long. Many things are happening around me that remind me of why i'm here with myself. I've taken it upon myself to be that true bitter martyr because I'm thinking too much.

Have you ever had thoughts in your head that you trusted so much that it hurt. Whatever happened to that feeling inside me that made me crazy with love. That feeling that I didn't care to think about. I've walked through some flames, but i've approached most of them with a team of experts inside me. Ones that sit in my brain with their protractors, rulers, compasses and calculators making sure that every step I take has the right answer.

Sometimes I dont think when I should. Sometimes I dont feel when the time is right.

One of my house mates is going through an interesting time. Honestly she freaks herself out because she never knows what her boyfriend is doing when they're not together and it drives her mad! Something that almost killed me once. I long for this feeling and I fear it like the plague. I understand what it is to lose trust, to lose something you care about.

I've always wanted to be with someone. I dont want marriage but I'd like some sort of commitment.

I've been sitting in one spot hoping to fall in love with someone that loves me back. I've been straining my heart because i've thought myself out of love so many times. I'm better off alone. I've got a career I need to focus on. All thoughts that come from my head but make my heart feel like it said it. What my heart says is true but my mind has learned to throw its voice...I guess.

I feel as if I need to not recognize anything, not think about anything. Because thinking used to protect me, but then it hurt be when it left. Which is why balancing your thoughts and feelings is necessary. This is what I tell myself...but what part of me is supposed to listen.

Today is a day like any other. Not really

Ah today. I haven't talked to you in a while and I've kept my distance because I was in a very angry space. Funny how life does that to you. Now I'm feeling a lot better. Things seem to be going my way, the way they always do. Especially with a passion in my heart like mine.

I have written many things. Many of them sit in a box in my parents storage. Many of them sit with me on this computer. But one in particular. A journey of a girl. A thought provoking piece of a girl living life. The way she needs it to be. The raw reality of trying to survive in unknown territory. Exploring what we do not know within ourselves.

This story is getting published. This story is leaving the box. Jumping onto that fast moving train south to where the sun shines so that it can live on forever. Although I don't expect everything I can only hope for something. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel as if I will no longer just write to loved ones and friends. Instead I get to feel what its like to give my story a life of its own. Its not under my wing. It is not under my control what happens to it. Although I will have to do a lot of my own pushing. I am excited.

I am excited to feel insecure and who knows what? I'm excited to not know what is going to happen next. My life has always been like that but now one of my babies gets to go somewhere I have never been. I don't want to think about this one. I want to let my mind go. I've been so full of thoughts that I just think myself into a dark place, in and out of good things. I want a happy give and take of my thoughts and feelings on this. One can anticipate the other, ebb and flow together. Because this is clearly unchartered waters for me. And I'm excited to feel what I think when I'm going through this journey.

Today is like any other. Not because I've done it before or thought about this for a long time. But because I can actually feel again. My heart softens and opens.

breathe. listen. sigh.)