Wowzers

Here we go. The fear in which we're faced with.

So I went to see one of my doctors. I'm pretty sure I want to get off of this horrible 'Lamotragine'. I'm faced with this...If I come off of it...I may become a vegetable. Although I love vegetables, I'm faced with fear. Do I listen to the fear? most people in my family and life think that I should. Although I still haven't seen my neurologist, that wont be till august 8th, I have been faced with BRICK walls of information. Of support from the western medical system. Being told things that go against this gut i've been learning to listen to religiously. I'm being told that i have the best neurologist in vancouver and he's worth listening to. But if you actually met this guy then you'd see or feel that he hardly looked at me. He seem holier than thou and made me feel as if he was the only one that knew the truth and the truth was his 'medical opinion' which i am supposed to live by.

Ok. Honestly. this advice from one of my doctors scared me. I have an ear infection and I'm vulnerable to bipolar feelings as this medication makes its way into my brain and actually stops activity. The bridges where my brain waves used to cross are no longer in use the way they were. So in a sense all of the natural healing and shamanism that i've lived for all my life has had to stop. The use of anything other than the 'systems' medications have come to a full stop. I know i need more opinions once i go for my reassessment. I'm in search of someone who is willing to give up what they 'know' for what they know is possible. I'm in search of a glimmer of hope. Something that i can hold onto and place in my heart of hearts in order to move through all of the salt lying on the table...in order to find my favourite condiment...the pepper. Also. the meds i'm on stop sodium from entering my brain..another interesting fact.

So there we go. I'm scared. Flat out. I know the power of the brain and i'm believing in a future of freedom from these chains of our society. My whole life i've tried to break free, only to be brought back, slingshotted back into a world without real security. One where life as it used to be is to be forgotten, now. We destroyed the natives in this continent because of the same reasons. Power. Control. If we can take our machines into places like the jungle in order to give sight to those who have lost it. We should be able to integrate a kind of spiritual natural healing that doesn't involve a god, or something of that kind. But rather our human capabilities. I believe in the power of love and the power of us. If only we knew that all of these things have been forgotten and they are what we used to be.

Suffice to say. My jedi wizard training has been put on hold. Maybe this is apart of the training. Although in the world i know. Seizures are initiations into the shamanic realm.

So I'm in search of someone in the medical profession that is going to hear my cries for freedom. I need a lwayer of sorts to prove that my brain is innocent until proven guilty. In order to save my life...I must believe.

Thanks for listening.
emotional wreck.

Ah HAH...the examinations we face

Hello lovelies.

I am here to talk. But we know that.

So if you've been along for the ride you'd know that i had some seizures. been on medication. Felt blocked, fell in love...living in cold and wet.

Now its warming up...still in full pj's though.

I'm faced with this conundrum. I'm in western society. (disclaimer for all those people who urge me to think about it and be careful. way ahead of you) I love what western medicine has to offer. I LOVE IT! I also dont love it. Like how someone could love nighttime but dislike the scary things that can come from it.

The medication I am on is also used for bipolar disorder. I dont know if anyone has ever been on an antidepressant before? they suck. They make me feel angry, irritable, The activity that helps my flag fly high is stifled by this thing hanging over me. Slowing me down. This medication stops the extreme ups and downs from happening in my brain. If you look into epilepsy in all forms, you'd see that there are a list of somewhat known causes. Read through them and tell me if you have any of these? because when i had the seizures I could have checked off every possible cause on the list.

Then i learn more about misdiagnosis with epilepsy and find out how much they actually know about seizures, its not much. Yes a lot. but Not as much as one like me would hope.

This all makes me think of my life, the thing i've been searching for the entire time. BALANCE. the libra in me is tipping the scale. The balance is now very much imbalanced. One sided. One dimensional.

so! what do i do about it now?

I'm getting the heck off of these meds. This life i'm in, this world is too important to me to have to take an anticonvulsant when my love and passion comes from this brain. I understand the consequences if there are any...but they'll all be great. Because its life, we manage it, we have ups and downs. We all get seizures (look into it, we do). This western medicine will help me with my health when needed. I honestly dont think i need their help with droning out the passion. Being a writer does that enough,) ha

so. august is the month. 6 months. I can in theory drive again. But i'm going to come off my meds. so probably not for a lot longer. But i dont care. I'll do it. life is for living. I'm cool, calm, collected. and would really love to get on with my life.

I haven't discussed it yet with the neuro docs...We can discuss it. I understand. But dont let them put the fear in you. We're human.

dear crazy

Saying goodbye

Marijuana has been my best friend since I was 14... All other friends were there, but this one was the one that saved my life.

I had seizures as I think I mentioned. A few months prior I quit smoking. Something I did once before, but I had no responsibilities. I lived a simple life. Now. With so many choices, so many things going on, a new love, a new life, an old life a past that needs to no longer be mourned and a future to be taken on...did I mention I'm in my Saturn return?

So I had these seizures..what a trip...memory loss, pain. Lots of it. Love...wow most amazing person I know with the kindest heart that I fell in love with so safely and easily. But a little rough around the edges...but didn't I always say French canadians were rough around the edges! Whistler people would know what I'm talking about.

My life had never been so stressful. I've been stressed! But I've been stoned and no responsibilities. I was young. Now I'm 27..time to see what no longer serves me. This is what Saturn is telling all of us.

The meds they put me on made me dull, lost, mindless, emotionless to an extent...now I'm coming down off one...mynlife has seriously changed...dude,) now all of a sudden I have my emotions, my crazy has returned. I don't know what to do with it. I have someone else to think about, you hear that all the time when people have babies. But you don't hear about it when talking about love! Because I think about them everyday! A different kind I guess. Now I have to find a. Job. One which is not my old ones. Hmmm how fucking hard is this. I say I could do anything...but I feel stuck...I can't. Live somewhere I thought I was running away from. Now I'm forced to face my past...and my future all at once! Is it because I'm 27 that this is happening? Is that you Saturn? Omg.

Wait...why did I seizure? Stress! Breathe. Remember you don't want to take another medley of pharms...so.

I smoked a joint today. Ease. Relax..pain gone. Emotions calmed...
Of course then comes the clenching and such that I hated before. Of course.

Coffee and weed. My best friends...I can't call you that anymore. I need to face the insanity. I have to be human again.

Sigh...

Where is my inhaler?

.)

Read if you want it has an I love about you at the end

I've been dizzy all day. Even as I sit I feel like the ground might flip to the ceiling. Leaving me half way between falling and fallen. The waves are hitting the shore. There is a flower outside that smells like you. I knew this would be hard. I'm sleeping in a bed that would fit the two of us perfectly, the way you'd make all beds if you had your way. Just right. Like the three bears. Although no bears just bear hugs and things just right. There is a pillow beside me that feels like it's meant for a pregnant woman. Reminds me of that jennifer Lopez movie you bought. I smile.

Oh how life brings us these things.

I didn't want to watch the sunset because my eyes are full of tears in protest of your absence...or mine...I think it may be both.

I thought about how one leaves their past behind? Do we ever really..I know we can and will learn from it but can it be left at the side of the road like a piece of Kleenex that falls out of the car when you step out. Never seen again? Maybe you see other pieces everywhere you go. But will you ever see that one again...i know it's impossible to leave it like that. I've never been one to abandon anything in my past. It makes it harder to live if I just leave it somewhere.

I thought about how to live in the now and create a future. First I asked what is future? Who, where, when, why, how, what...everything. When I managed to create the list in my head I knew what I had to do. In order to do this this and this with that and mostly YOU. I'm going to have to do this this and this with mostly that and no YOU...I cried tears.

No you?!

Who are you?

Good question. You're the sun in my sky, the light in my eyes, the fresh air in my nostrils, the warm liquid in my belly...the love in my heart...all the little things of 'awesome' you could ever imagine. That who YOU is.

You has to be in my everything. You is my everything. I want you in my life so badly I need you. It's not the idea of you that gets me excited to breathe the air it's knowing you, being with you, seeing you, loving you, truly loving you. The idea is a great idea, but i'm not just looking for a great idea. I have many of those. I'm looking for a reality. In order to have a reality I have to face a reality.

Well what is this reality?

Take what you have learned from the past and relearn it over and over again.
The things that follow you from behind won't go away until you confront them. That means you may have to feel the pain of losing something or someone, or everything.
Who you think you are isn't always what you should be thinking, it's what you feel.
Love who you love, although not all loves are the truest of loves they're still real...and you'll know when the true ones come along. It's hard to miss.

Well now that I'm facing the things behind me I feel a distance growing between the true love that I have found. In order to make YOU the reality I am looking for I must face the things I'm facing today. I may face them by losing you. But I'm not a quitter when it comes to true YOU. I'm not going to stop loving you.

As silly song comes to my head.. Everything I do, I do it for you!
Good ol'brian Adams.


Anyhow. My thoughts before I sleep. I need to get some. Dr's orders,)

I LOVE THAT YOU BRING SONGS TO MY HEAD

New life

Today is a day. One that although i'm pretty happy I seem to want to get away. I am not really all that great with this northern weather. Since i've been living in southern california i've come to realize that WARM is better...Yes vancouver has wonderful trees and great colours and beautiful scenery. And if I was still high on mushrooms or weed I may actually enjoy it.
I've recently had something physical happen to me. Something that landed me in the hospital in the neurological intensive care unit. Although scary and not a good thing in some ways...something perfect in another. The fact that i got to find out if there was anything wrong with my brain or not...which there isn't. And the fact that maybe i'm getting my upgrades like I wanted.

In the world we live in there are different types of people. We all live on different dimensional playing fields. Some like monks have had the upgrade to be able to not eat as much as the rest of the world. Taking nutrients from all sorts of things, like air, water, sun light. Yogis have had upgrades. Shaman. and so on. Of course there are all different forms of upgrades. An ability to reach into other minds. The ability to feed off sunlight, communicate with nature, walk with great peace, even move things with our minds.

A long time ago when I was working at a festival in the kootneys I said to the crew...after a big lunch and long rest...'Maybe if we loved each other enough we could move things with our minds..' This was of course to avoid having to get up and get to work. Little did i know I would spend a big part of my life actually believing that this was true. I do. I believe it is entirely possible to move things with our minds. Although I am not able to at the moment i feel that maybe this upgrade is possible in this lifetime. Seeing as though in some cultures shaman are found through great madness and seizures. Hmmmm. madness and seizures eh.

Not to say that I am a shaman. Far from it. Although my Vote Love For Hate is a step in the right direction. Redefining many aspects of our lives and allowing us to reinvent our linear ways of thinking.

Flat land exists on this planet. Most people live in it. When you disregard a way of thinking because of a belief system you were raised in...whether it be western culture, religion, or anti religion...you are limited to a simple playing field.
The seizures that I had were a blessing in disguise. I can't legally drive for six months and I have a clarity that I do not understand nor have I been able to grasp it fully yet. But at some point maybe i'll recognize what it is i've been given.

Thanks Life for giving me something new.
VLFH

Writing to keep alive

Being in the rain is really bringing up some interesting thoughts and quite possibly feelings. At least I have my typewriter. although the lack of light doesn't really help with my creative soul.

I'm a writer and creator at heart. My social self is something I enjoy but i'm much better being on my own and creating a masterpiece. I'm sitting beside a 36 page story only a quarter of the way finished. I long for someone or something to slap me in my face and tell me to get at it! but I am without that kind of pleasure. Instead I sit staring at these pages and on this computer wondering why this block has happened. There is something wrong with the story. I feel as if I know where the issues may lie...but I struggle with how its going to go after I change these few details...But if you've ever written a story you will know that sometimes its a daunting task to have to go back half of the way in order to pick out these few details that will quite possibly resemble the flap of a butterflies wings.

Today is a day where I will try and just plot my course..then create the characters from birth to death. all over again

I love my life.

Can we trust a conservative majority?

I am a canadian and I love Canada. I love the landscape. But I do not love who is in power. I have this saying. I know a loser when I fucking see one. When I look at stephen harper I see a fucking loser. He's got the same look at gordon campbell. What a jerk gordon turned out to be. Not even a conservative.

The reason I am talking about this is because although gay people have rights today and harper says they will probably not open it up for discussion again. I feel as if I cannot believe this. Someone who doesn't believe in abortion but still believes in the death penalty. The very fact that a majority of the people killed on death row have been later found not guilty. The very fact that they must have someone die for these crimes even if they didn't do them. Is completely silly. But over populating and quite possibly destroying the life of another human for a mistake is ok?

I'm all for freedom of thought. I'm pro choice. I'm pro love and pro human kind. I just dont understand why we have to live by a belief system that not everyone believes in. If gay people are the route of all evil. then let them go to hell! Let them have the best party in the world and party their asses off in this warm dark nightclub run by an amazing party goer, the devil.

I dont understand why marriage has to be such a fight. Why people wont let people just be who and what they are, with no need for explanation. We all have rights. We all have the right to freedom. We should never hide who we are or fear prejudice because we're born a certain way or if chemicals in our food actually altered the chemistry in our brains to make us a little different. We're all human.

I'm all for human rights. Not for human repression.

The government has no place in my home. Has no right to tell me who i can and cannot be. I will scream from the highest mountains that i'm gay and i'll live as a gay person. Only so that I can live my life the way I am. I'm not any different from anyone else. But I will stand up for everyone else.

Get over the bible. Take the positive things from it and move forward. Hate will probably land you in hell too. So watch your step.

SoCal

Southern california is heaven to me. Although the idea of america isn't quite what I'd like it to be but I can't change that and I wont really try. Although I'd like to work on some things. I think its too late sometimes.

Southern california is warm and lovely. I don't really know why i'm going back home right now because its so warm here. But i'm happy to be doing it nonetheless. I miss my family and my dog friends. I can't wait to see my friends. I wish everyone in my life would just move here though.

The sun is out. The winter is not winter at all. Boardwalks. People. Places...all that fun...its lovely

i will miss you when i go back to the teepee on the ranch for a few months.

Transform

I've blossomed into a flower. My colours are bright and my insides flow with ease.

This weekend was amazing. I traveled through my body to find that my emotional state was not so scary it was my body that needed most of the work. And it got what it was looking for. After many years of being fairly hard on my physical self i'm finally learning the meaning of health again. I understood it before but i could never become it.

Last night I broke my phone. After the retreat. Go figure. of course i did. My life is telling my that my electronic communication will probably have to come to an end fairly soon. I'm willing to let that happen. although i seem to work from this spot right here. Technology is something i need to use in order to communicate with the others that i work with.

Soon it will be a well oiled machine.

I'm off to enjoy the heat and the sun. For today is a new day and I'm hoping i finally learned how to love again.

thanks. oh and i love my mom.
.)

today is the day

Being in this society and trying to do this dieta is very difficult. Especially with my busy day yesterday. alas. today is the first day of ceremony. I will be arriving at the retreat at 5:30pm this eve. I'm so excited. and ready for a journey that doesn't involve others, society or anything of the sort. It will just involve me and myself.

I'm over eating this non crap crap. I kind of like the taste of crap. of course down here the crap is much worse than up there. But. I'll soon be home for a visit in order to fill myself with love and good food. Can't wait. but today...have to get through the day. today is the day..

love to you.

Turkey soup

Turkey is amazing. I love turkey. Turkey is saving my life during this dieta..

I've found that being in america isn't really the best place for a diet of this sort. The energy of the people around you. It makes you crazy. People live in fear. They project rules on you. They also feel like if they slowly implement one rule here and one rule there. Everyone wont notice the complete domination of a society.

One thing that almost threw me over the edge today was when I was forced to go through hoops because people aren't held accountable for their own stupidity. If you have been a victim of fraud and you lost money because you sent some money to someone you have never even met..only to lose this money. THAT IS YOUR FAULT. NOT MINE. Not anyone else's. No. The very fact that we set up these hoops for regular honest people to go through makes me just want to commit a crime.

I'm a little bit over the fear mongering that happens here.

I just want to know if people are willing to fight for their rights? or if they'll want to live in a silent protest or something non violent? Because if you aren't willing to FIGHT and truly kick some ass for your right to LIVE and be HUMAN...then you're doing yourself a disservice.

although i may not be very specific. I'm sure that anyone who has been in the USA in the last few years would know about the things they're making you do. When you get on a plane. do you get pat down? or scanned by some machine that probably hardens your pineal gland? or who knows what else? well you have to now. you're forced to. When you drive up to an airport how will you feel when they pull you over. search your car, because they can, and you miss your flight? because thats whats going on. What happens when one day you are no longer able to live in your home because someone deems the area unsafe because of some threat? How will you feel if you lived in a world much like George Orwells 1984?

I'm a loving and caring person. With a great imagination. But this is not my imagination. These things are happening everyday. Your rights are going away and you're just going to let them.

this dieta is hard for me. USA isn't the place for one. Canada was easier because the fear isn't so great and there aren't as many people. Here. it wasn't built for freeing your mind and getting in touch with what you're really made of...well. california...

the turkey saved my life and probably many others. I can't believe what i went through.

sigh .(

I love mornings

So i know i was talking about how i can't somehow handle the time in between sleeping. I may have lied. I love my waking life. Especially the morning.

The dieta is doing me some good.

Another Dieta Day

Sleeping has never been hard for me. Its before and after that normally is. Some of my friends think I should be in a sleep study. One of my friends should be in there with me and I'd be the control study. He'd be the one they'd study for insomnia. Him and I are so alike and so the opposite. Our eating habits, sleeping habits, bathing habits, sex, drugs, rock and roll habits.

Him and I are doing the ceremony together again. We were at the last one together on the Island and now we're down south with the same Shaman.

I live with two dogs right now that I dont really like all the time. Which is really strange for me because I love animals! It has only ever happened once before and it was the owner that I absolutely did not care for. This time it still doesn't really have anything to do with the dogs though its more the owners of the dogs. A complete reflection of them it seems. Their inability to just be adults when necessary, they're uncontrollable even to themselves, always to be watched in case they do something they're not supposed to. Although these roomies are old in some aspects, in most they're still on a level I am not. Something I'm still getting used to with people so close. Normally I need people my own dimensional age. I just dont like the fact that at any moment I may have to reprimand a dog or the owner for something they can't help doing.

I dislike having to watch people.

One of them goes completely against my feminine being. He is rude constantly and asks for things in a way that NO ONE should ever ask for anything. He uses terms like "I hate you, you fucking bitch." while asking for things that he needs her to do...be because he's made her dependent on him and him dependent on her through breaking her down first. He's so young. Then she'll just do the things he asks and tells me that he's always been like that and she likes doing things for him.

I understand doing something for someone. I love the idea of making someone I love something they want or need. But I don't think i've known anyone that would put up with that kind of language towards them. Most of the men i've asked think that if they were to say that to one of their girlfriends the girl would never. EVER. put up with that. So why does she? self esteem? both of them it seems.

I've used these terms with love through redefining the way we use them. Only then can they be made positive. Which is what Vote Love For Hate really means. Use your words with good intensions. When I use hate its normally towards my best friend and I only hate her because I love her so much. She'll do things for me that make me so happy I have to HATE her I love her so much.

Its a really hard lesson for me to learn because I've put up with it for quite a while and now that my platonic life partner and I are on the same page with recognizing the ridiculous behaviour I'm very much over it. I don't care for it, I don't want to see it. I'm not willing to talk anyone through it. If they're going to keep it up. Thats the big lesson I'm having to learn right now.

What is ok to just sit back and watch? At what point do you stand up for human kind and demand for people to grow up and get out of their insecure ways of treating others. Especially women. I seem to be surrounded by men that will not talk to women even when the woman is in charge. Its as if they'll only talk to other guys because guys know best? this is a struggle I never thought I'd have to go through. Its the southern experience. I'm from the north west and these people, not all, are from the south east. Completely different worlds. Completely different lives, television is their friend, health isn't conscious, stress kills, dimensional levels are strained...is this really what america is doing to themselves? limiting their growth through stepping into becoming grown children.

All I ask. Now that I'm aware. Is grow up. Be an adult. Argue in private. Be genuinely nice to people. Everyone is equal. Love yourself. Live your life. Stop stressing about NOTHING!

OH MY GOODNESS. look at my rant. Again. My sleep was great. Its the awake part that I struggle with. I can't wait for the Purge. I have many things to get out.

.)

Dieta Starts today

My Dieta starts today. Its very basic. Nothing stimulating, no television, very little computer, although i seem to have to still work and the computer is my work. No salt, sugar...just brown rice, meat and veg. I'm going to be making a chicken stock soon. for my natural salt. so I can absorb my liquids. only water and roiboos yummy.


I'll be reading a lot. Which is nice. Right now I'm reading Veronika decides to Die by Paulo Coelho. A very nice read. I'm excited to finish it in the next few days. Maybe even today if I lay around as much as I hope. I'll then hopefully start the Cosmic Serpent. I've started it many times before and still don't really know what its about. But i'm excited to start it again and finally get whats going on inside of it.

Have a great day.

Get your eyes checked. Reading glasses changed my life.

Interesting Vacation

I understand why I was put on this earth. I'm learning slowly how to create change within myself through many different means. It seems to be working. I believe that everything I have ever wanted has been slowly coming to me...but in a way I would have never expected. I'm finally learning what it means to love and be loved truly and unconditionally. I'm learning what it means to feel the right kind of feeling, and think the right kind of thought. Although some VIP have said that there may not be a right or wrong. I still believe there is. In my big scheme of things, and so far its worked out for me.

I'm about to embark on another Ceremony. One that involves ayahuasca. Something you'll just have to look up if you want to understand it. The last time I was apart of a ceremony like this I had a shift inside me. I of course was already on the verge of a major shift, but it shifted something big nonetheless. I understood how much I could love something I didn't actually like all that much. People mainly. At the time of the last ceremony I was just out of a major sobriety stint and I had a mind that felt again. Something I hadn't done in a long time. In the 'right' kind of way.

But then some things happened in my life after the ceremony. I was so focused on my past that the present and future happened and I was stuck thinking How the heck did i get here? and why did I put myself and others through this if I knew, I KNEW darn well what was going on inside me. Well. I dont know why I did it? I think it was because I was bored of my life and where I was at the time. I hope to never use people to pass the time ever again. I hope that I never use anyone like that ever again...also I hope I dont get used like that again either...but I dont mind if we have a little fun exploring. Learning. Living...Although this time...i'm going to be Honest with myself. Fully. If I feel bad things from now on. I'm going to understand that its DANGER in front of me...NOT LOVE...silly. DANGER. I will not think my way through it...I will live through it and come out understanding my place in this world.

Since my last ceremony I've moved south. I travel all the time, to places I've always wanted to go. My career is exactly where I've always hoped it would be, blossoming. I have come across people that really don't have what it takes to be in my life. I understand this because they make something inside me turn rancid. Something I've ignored my whole ENTIRE LIFE! now that i'm at the beginning of my saturn return and i'm not struggling to find out what i'm doing with my life. I know that its going to be a hard journey into letting my life lead without too much feeling. without too much thought. Only the thoughts that keep me moving forward in the 'right' direction...even if that direction is sideways. So this ceremony is important to me. i will remember my loved ones and remove my strings. Remove the things I no longer need. And plant seeds where they once were in order for new things to grow and flourish.

Thank you so much for the love that I feel. There are a lot of people out there that I should thank for helping me find the Love I've always had inside.

Thanks VACATION! Skiing is the best

Ps. I quit smoking weed. So proud. My life is forever different.