Saturday, March 10, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Forever is today
What a great night. Had a meet up with a great friend. Got a little tipsy...woke up still dressed.
A little foggy today but the journey is great. A situation has come to my attention and it must be addressed immediately. Although I'm not going to say a word. Why? Because I recently tell myself via tattoos...listen...let go...
I'm onto my new life. Today feeling all foggy is a little rough. But I'll make it. I had to let loose. I was seen for my true self in for what seemed like forever. I can breathe although my breathing is shallow now it will grow into the depths of my belly and open up a feeling of complete love. I am love. I was afraid to see it. I was afraid of so much for a little while there..but I've now cut my ties with many people in my life as its time for something new. It's time for a person to look me in the eyes and tell me the important things that I deserve to know.
I will not get over this talking in person or looking into my eyes thing. Totally not gonna get over it.
But don't be afraid. Every action causes a reaction and my reactions are a little extreme sometimes but really I'm totally ok with them. Because when I think about it...I'm upset.
Today. I journey out into the world. Expressing whatever I need to express. I have no idea what that is. But I have a feeling. And I'm going to follow it,
A little foggy today but the journey is great. A situation has come to my attention and it must be addressed immediately. Although I'm not going to say a word. Why? Because I recently tell myself via tattoos...listen...let go...
I'm onto my new life. Today feeling all foggy is a little rough. But I'll make it. I had to let loose. I was seen for my true self in for what seemed like forever. I can breathe although my breathing is shallow now it will grow into the depths of my belly and open up a feeling of complete love. I am love. I was afraid to see it. I was afraid of so much for a little while there..but I've now cut my ties with many people in my life as its time for something new. It's time for a person to look me in the eyes and tell me the important things that I deserve to know.
I will not get over this talking in person or looking into my eyes thing. Totally not gonna get over it.
But don't be afraid. Every action causes a reaction and my reactions are a little extreme sometimes but really I'm totally ok with them. Because when I think about it...I'm upset.
Today. I journey out into the world. Expressing whatever I need to express. I have no idea what that is. But I have a feeling. And I'm going to follow it,
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Down by the bay
Back in frisco bay. Waiting for the hat store to open. I have a free hat card. Buy ten hats get one free!! Yes!
The reason we came here is because I miss it. My friend and I needed to get out of the house as there is always babies screaming. Instead of smacking the parents of the babies or pushing them down the stairs...we got out.
My friend and I are sisters. I haven't been able to see her in some time. I missed her. So we're up here and we're about to get long awaited tattoos. I miss it here. Although I know the importance of going back home. I keep trying to fall back into old routines but for the most part I am fighting the urge.
I'm fighting against 28 years of bad habits. Fighting against fighting. I get so mad because I'm so scared...I'm embarking on something I've never done before.
Some people don't understand the struggle I've gone through with drugs and alcohol. Although it seems like I don't have a problem..it's there. It plagues me daily. I'm left thinking and thinking kills my spirit. I just want to die sometimes. But that doesn't fix the problem.
I'm faced with other peoples opinions or my own, which I'm not really pleased with I was just raised to have them. It's hard because I end up hurting the ones I love. Then I end up hurting myself more. It's funny. I was so good until I wasn't any longer. Which was when I came back to the 'real world'.
I know what I want from life and it's different from my actions in the past. Just like most this year...things are changing. I have many fears and I never express their effects on me. I just get angry. I do have an anger problem. I've felt voiceless. I've felt loveless. I've lost my energy. I gave it away four years ago and haven't yet gotten it back. I need to admire a flower again. Look at a tree and see a being. Living and loving. Being just what it is...alive.
I've always wanted to be a tree. Routed and tall. Blowing in the wind but with roots so deep it can stay strong.
I've been lied to this past while. Little things. Silly things. I've lied to myself. I've been mean. I've been hurt and I've acted out of fear and anger. I just wanted to look in your eyes...
Well. I'm off. Get ready for my new tattoo.
I am so full of hate and anger. I'm unsure where to place it.
Thank you for your time and love. I will cherish it. If only you knew what it is you don't. What it is you won't. I am not who you think I am. Because of you I've been given a chance.
My seizures were the best thing to ever happen to me. No one will really see the positivity I see when I think of them. They freed me. But it's not easy to get free of these chains I've placed on me...bms...and yet I'm doing it. I'm sober and I'm strong. I may need to fall a few more times. But as my brother says, 'it only gets easier' the best part about this fall...is I've become closer to my blood. Thank you for giving me life my seizures. Thank you for being there my friend and love
I wonder if one understands how it feels to bring out darkness in another? I get it. Its not a nice feeling.
I'm sorry but it's a good thing. No?
The reason we came here is because I miss it. My friend and I needed to get out of the house as there is always babies screaming. Instead of smacking the parents of the babies or pushing them down the stairs...we got out.
My friend and I are sisters. I haven't been able to see her in some time. I missed her. So we're up here and we're about to get long awaited tattoos. I miss it here. Although I know the importance of going back home. I keep trying to fall back into old routines but for the most part I am fighting the urge.
I'm fighting against 28 years of bad habits. Fighting against fighting. I get so mad because I'm so scared...I'm embarking on something I've never done before.
Some people don't understand the struggle I've gone through with drugs and alcohol. Although it seems like I don't have a problem..it's there. It plagues me daily. I'm left thinking and thinking kills my spirit. I just want to die sometimes. But that doesn't fix the problem.
I'm faced with other peoples opinions or my own, which I'm not really pleased with I was just raised to have them. It's hard because I end up hurting the ones I love. Then I end up hurting myself more. It's funny. I was so good until I wasn't any longer. Which was when I came back to the 'real world'.
I know what I want from life and it's different from my actions in the past. Just like most this year...things are changing. I have many fears and I never express their effects on me. I just get angry. I do have an anger problem. I've felt voiceless. I've felt loveless. I've lost my energy. I gave it away four years ago and haven't yet gotten it back. I need to admire a flower again. Look at a tree and see a being. Living and loving. Being just what it is...alive.
I've always wanted to be a tree. Routed and tall. Blowing in the wind but with roots so deep it can stay strong.
I've been lied to this past while. Little things. Silly things. I've lied to myself. I've been mean. I've been hurt and I've acted out of fear and anger. I just wanted to look in your eyes...
Well. I'm off. Get ready for my new tattoo.
I am so full of hate and anger. I'm unsure where to place it.
Thank you for your time and love. I will cherish it. If only you knew what it is you don't. What it is you won't. I am not who you think I am. Because of you I've been given a chance.
My seizures were the best thing to ever happen to me. No one will really see the positivity I see when I think of them. They freed me. But it's not easy to get free of these chains I've placed on me...bms...and yet I'm doing it. I'm sober and I'm strong. I may need to fall a few more times. But as my brother says, 'it only gets easier' the best part about this fall...is I've become closer to my blood. Thank you for giving me life my seizures. Thank you for being there my friend and love
I wonder if one understands how it feels to bring out darkness in another? I get it. Its not a nice feeling.
I'm sorry but it's a good thing. No?
Saturday, March 3, 2012
When things hurt
When things hurt they hurt so bad. I hurt so bad and I hurt the one that meant most to me. What makes us do this?
I need to learn. I have to work. I have to move forward. This is all so new. I'm in a new world.
I need to learn. I have to work. I have to move forward. This is all so new. I'm in a new world.
Friday, February 24, 2012
South of the border Willie Nelsons way
Puppies puppies puppies.
I'm surrounded by puppies in need of homes.
I was meant to fly out of town the other day. But apparently I made plans on the wrong day...so i'm stranded...kind of but not really. there i was standing with my huge backpack, surrounded by people speaking another language. Only understanding one out of 100 words. maybe. Thoughts came into my head and I was able to decipher which one made the most sense. So I walked out of the airport and over toward the cabs. Now getting a cab from the airport is always more expensive. but I only had 40$.
"Where you going?" the lady with the walkie talkie asked.
"Sayulita."
"For you its about 800 pesos."
I reached into my pocket, knowing full well that I wasn't prepared for staying any longer and I only had 400p. "I only have 400 pesos."
The woman gave me a bit of a face. "We could do maybe 600 - 700p."
Clearly she didn't understand what I was saying when I said it the first time. "I only have 400 pesos."
After some time she put the walkie talkie to her mouth and began to talk in spanish. She then nodded to me and flagged down a cabbie. My backpack was lifted into the back of the cab and there I was. On my way to this little surf town an hour or less away. Sweet.
Apparently $40 is unheard of even with the regular off airport cabs...unless you take the bus. But never being to Sayulita...i'm not about to try an navigate the bus. Especially when I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm going to do when I get there.
I could have gone back to the town just south of PV where I spent two weeks already. Or I could have gone to my friends house in PV where I had stayed the night before. But no. I wanted Sayulita. and I got it.
When I arrived I had no idea what to expect nor did i know where I was going. All i knew was that I knew people in this town and I hoped that I could find one of them...somehow. Eventually. after walking around in circles with a giant backpack on, i found someone. A nice man that whom goes by the name of Captain, pointed me in the direction of the local coffee shop/wifi hub.
Now i'm in sayulita...for how long? i dont know? I have some work down here in april. So I can either stay? or go home? or go to LA. I was supposed to go to la on the day i was leaving. but clearly it wasn't meant to be. I'm just going with the flow. Follow your heart, follow the thing that guides you and you will find what you are looking for. I'm trying not to think about it too much. Yes i'm broke...but i'll figure it out.
My friends are fostering animals here in sayulita. Which you should check out. www.sayulitaanimals.com
ok. Time to go.
steak was $3...its going to feed three people...i'm cooking it now...bye
I'm surrounded by puppies in need of homes.
I was meant to fly out of town the other day. But apparently I made plans on the wrong day...so i'm stranded...kind of but not really. there i was standing with my huge backpack, surrounded by people speaking another language. Only understanding one out of 100 words. maybe. Thoughts came into my head and I was able to decipher which one made the most sense. So I walked out of the airport and over toward the cabs. Now getting a cab from the airport is always more expensive. but I only had 40$.
"Where you going?" the lady with the walkie talkie asked.
"Sayulita."
"For you its about 800 pesos."
I reached into my pocket, knowing full well that I wasn't prepared for staying any longer and I only had 400p. "I only have 400 pesos."
The woman gave me a bit of a face. "We could do maybe 600 - 700p."
Clearly she didn't understand what I was saying when I said it the first time. "I only have 400 pesos."
After some time she put the walkie talkie to her mouth and began to talk in spanish. She then nodded to me and flagged down a cabbie. My backpack was lifted into the back of the cab and there I was. On my way to this little surf town an hour or less away. Sweet.
Apparently $40 is unheard of even with the regular off airport cabs...unless you take the bus. But never being to Sayulita...i'm not about to try an navigate the bus. Especially when I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm going to do when I get there.
I could have gone back to the town just south of PV where I spent two weeks already. Or I could have gone to my friends house in PV where I had stayed the night before. But no. I wanted Sayulita. and I got it.
When I arrived I had no idea what to expect nor did i know where I was going. All i knew was that I knew people in this town and I hoped that I could find one of them...somehow. Eventually. after walking around in circles with a giant backpack on, i found someone. A nice man that whom goes by the name of Captain, pointed me in the direction of the local coffee shop/wifi hub.
Now i'm in sayulita...for how long? i dont know? I have some work down here in april. So I can either stay? or go home? or go to LA. I was supposed to go to la on the day i was leaving. but clearly it wasn't meant to be. I'm just going with the flow. Follow your heart, follow the thing that guides you and you will find what you are looking for. I'm trying not to think about it too much. Yes i'm broke...but i'll figure it out.
My friends are fostering animals here in sayulita. Which you should check out. www.sayulitaanimals.com
ok. Time to go.
steak was $3...its going to feed three people...i'm cooking it now...bye
Monday, February 20, 2012
Living
I lay in bed and think of things. Wondering where the world begins. Where life will lead if we let it fall. The world is a place I am discovering with myself above all.
I sleep well and dream big. A switch flipped inside me that I will not deny. As its allowed me the freedom to fly. I do not attach to the things so still. Forever flowing is where ill be. Ups and downs and all around me, are people that love me. For who I am. Each toenail, each smile line, each piece of grey hair...each light in my eyes. A love I am sharing with many as I travel I've found new friends that will have a long life inside my heart.
My journey is not over. I've decided some things. Going some places. Can't wait to see the places I want to see and the people I want to see.
I sleep well and dream big. A switch flipped inside me that I will not deny. As its allowed me the freedom to fly. I do not attach to the things so still. Forever flowing is where ill be. Ups and downs and all around me, are people that love me. For who I am. Each toenail, each smile line, each piece of grey hair...each light in my eyes. A love I am sharing with many as I travel I've found new friends that will have a long life inside my heart.
My journey is not over. I've decided some things. Going some places. Can't wait to see the places I want to see and the people I want to see.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
A love
There is a love inside me so strong that I feel the need to cry. I feel the need to cry because my heart aches.
Life is forever changing and I lost a part of myself. Not for anyone but myself. I'm on this journey. Learning again and again the ways in which we use the people around us and the things inside of us to lose ourselves. We use people, drugs, sex, fear...as ways to avoid the truth.
I've been dragging my feet. Making sure to not do anything I've wanted to do. Now there is no foot dragging. No dragons on my feet. No foot dragons.
My life this past year was a wonderful gift. One that taught me a lot. One that now I have to learn from. I do have regrets. But I can't think about them. I would be somewhere else. I know that much. But would I be any less full because of it? No. Maybe less open.
I am in another country. For how long I don't know? Will I go home? I don't know. Everything is an I don't know. I lost something and I need to find it again. I am on that journey to search for meaning.
Today I am happy.
Life is forever changing and I lost a part of myself. Not for anyone but myself. I'm on this journey. Learning again and again the ways in which we use the people around us and the things inside of us to lose ourselves. We use people, drugs, sex, fear...as ways to avoid the truth.
I've been dragging my feet. Making sure to not do anything I've wanted to do. Now there is no foot dragging. No dragons on my feet. No foot dragons.
My life this past year was a wonderful gift. One that taught me a lot. One that now I have to learn from. I do have regrets. But I can't think about them. I would be somewhere else. I know that much. But would I be any less full because of it? No. Maybe less open.
I am in another country. For how long I don't know? Will I go home? I don't know. Everything is an I don't know. I lost something and I need to find it again. I am on that journey to search for meaning.
Today I am happy.
Friday, January 27, 2012
The mastery of love
A book i still have. "perhaps love does exist...but not in the way everyone thinks."
Thursday, January 26, 2012
12 steps
Step 3: smile...watch what it gets you. Then smile more. Great feeling seeing someone smile back. Its like you're checking everyone out. Pretty fun, everyone makes me laugh today.)
Concrete Blonde - Joey
Concrete Blonde is playing at the rickshaw tonight. Alas...no funds...My song with my best friend is Joey. I played it for three days straight, drove her crazy at first...but it was the most amazing thing ever. It brings tears to my eyes. I love tears...i'm so funny.
Joey, baby - don't get crazy
Detours. Fences... I get defensive
I know you've heard it all before -
so I don't say it anymore
I just stand by and let you
fight your secret war.
And though I used to wonder why -
I used to cry till I was dry.
Still sometimes I get a strange pain inside
Oh, Joey, if you're hurting so am I.
Joey, honey - I got the money
All is forgiven. Listen, listen
And if I seem to be confused
I didn't mean to be with you.
And when you said I scared you,
well I guess you scared me too.
But we got lucky once before
And I don't wanna close the door
And if you're somewhere out there
passed out on the floor.
Oh Joey, I'm not angry anymore.
and if I seem to be confused
I didn't mean to be with you.
and when you said I scared you,
well I guess you scared me too.
But if its love you're looking for
Then i can give a little more
And if you're somewhere drunk and
passed out on the floor.
Oh Joey, I'm not angry anymore.
Angry anymore..
Angry anymore..
Joey, baby - don't get crazy
Detours. Fences... I get defensive
I know you've heard it all before -
so I don't say it anymore
I just stand by and let you
fight your secret war.
And though I used to wonder why -
I used to cry till I was dry.
Still sometimes I get a strange pain inside
Oh, Joey, if you're hurting so am I.
Joey, honey - I got the money
All is forgiven. Listen, listen
And if I seem to be confused
I didn't mean to be with you.
And when you said I scared you,
well I guess you scared me too.
But we got lucky once before
And I don't wanna close the door
And if you're somewhere out there
passed out on the floor.
Oh Joey, I'm not angry anymore.
and if I seem to be confused
I didn't mean to be with you.
and when you said I scared you,
well I guess you scared me too.
But if its love you're looking for
Then i can give a little more
And if you're somewhere drunk and
passed out on the floor.
Oh Joey, I'm not angry anymore.
Angry anymore..
Angry anymore..
Love letter
Dearest Linda.
Life is so much better than the last time I wrote you. The weather was getting me down. My doctor said that its mostly a seasonal thing. I guess it happens to everyone, but it feels like you're alone when it begins.
I'm so jealous of the hot air balloon ride you've been on. The very fact that you were going straight for the cliff wall and then the fire took you right over it. So scary but extremely thrilling.
I sat at the window watching the sparrows flying around, playing in the trees. Making their little sparrow sounds. They're such pleasant creatures. I know they're your favourite.
I also placed a hummingbird feeder out thinking they'd love it. Although they do find it fun and clearly enjoy the sugar. One of the neon orange ones has taken it upon itself to control who can suck from its nectar. Something I've never seen before from Hummingbirds. I didn't think they were so territorial. Then again, aren't we all. I'm not going to fill it once its empty. What do you think. What would you do lover of all creatures?
Today waking up was nice. I smelled your scent on the pillow next to me, a few tears came into my eyes. They were tears of happiness.
Music has been my saviour. Thanks to you I have all those records of the great jazz artists of our time. Oh how they make me move. Clara and I dance around the living room. Sometimes its the only way I can make her go to sleep. Thank you.
Please take care. Tell Jeremy I say hi. So nice of you to meet up.
Hope all is well.
I love you more than myself sometimes. Which is a nice feeling. Because i love myself a lot.
Love,
Yours,
Lilou
Life is so much better than the last time I wrote you. The weather was getting me down. My doctor said that its mostly a seasonal thing. I guess it happens to everyone, but it feels like you're alone when it begins.
I'm so jealous of the hot air balloon ride you've been on. The very fact that you were going straight for the cliff wall and then the fire took you right over it. So scary but extremely thrilling.
I sat at the window watching the sparrows flying around, playing in the trees. Making their little sparrow sounds. They're such pleasant creatures. I know they're your favourite.
I also placed a hummingbird feeder out thinking they'd love it. Although they do find it fun and clearly enjoy the sugar. One of the neon orange ones has taken it upon itself to control who can suck from its nectar. Something I've never seen before from Hummingbirds. I didn't think they were so territorial. Then again, aren't we all. I'm not going to fill it once its empty. What do you think. What would you do lover of all creatures?
Today waking up was nice. I smelled your scent on the pillow next to me, a few tears came into my eyes. They were tears of happiness.
Music has been my saviour. Thanks to you I have all those records of the great jazz artists of our time. Oh how they make me move. Clara and I dance around the living room. Sometimes its the only way I can make her go to sleep. Thank you.
Please take care. Tell Jeremy I say hi. So nice of you to meet up.
Hope all is well.
I love you more than myself sometimes. Which is a nice feeling. Because i love myself a lot.
Love,
Yours,
Lilou
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Linda,
My love.
You guessed it right away. I don't know how she learned that name, seeing as though you're not around to call me that.
Today was a really hard day, I sat reading the words you wrote just to help bring some smiles into my soul. I look fine, but inside I don't know what's happening. The feelings of insanity that I have will soon drive me into one of those, Asiles d'aliénés. My doctor says that it's completely normal, although it feels like the end of the world.
Remember when we got lost on the coast and we had to knock on doors to see if anyone could help us? I miss adventure, but I chose this life. Maja was the womans name. She loved you, with your smile, and your skinny little waist. She wanted to fatten you up like a pig getting ready for the slaughter house. That was the best meal and stay anywhere that whole trip. Maybe even my whole life.
I'm terribly sorry. I'm lost in my mind right now. Please, I just need to read your words.
Your love,
Lilou
My love.
You guessed it right away. I don't know how she learned that name, seeing as though you're not around to call me that.
Today was a really hard day, I sat reading the words you wrote just to help bring some smiles into my soul. I look fine, but inside I don't know what's happening. The feelings of insanity that I have will soon drive me into one of those, Asiles d'aliénés. My doctor says that it's completely normal, although it feels like the end of the world.
Remember when we got lost on the coast and we had to knock on doors to see if anyone could help us? I miss adventure, but I chose this life. Maja was the womans name. She loved you, with your smile, and your skinny little waist. She wanted to fatten you up like a pig getting ready for the slaughter house. That was the best meal and stay anywhere that whole trip. Maybe even my whole life.
I'm terribly sorry. I'm lost in my mind right now. Please, I just need to read your words.
Your love,
Lilou
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Oh dear 12 steps to happiness
There is something to be said for hard work. achieving something strictly through working your buns off to get'er done.
Step one: Realized that the walls needed to be white.
Step two: Painting walls white
-day one-
WOAH OK
-day Two--->sleep
Step one: Realized that the walls needed to be white.
Step two: Painting walls white
-day one-
WOAH OK
-day Two--->sleep
Love letters to Linda
Linda
I read aloud the little story that you wrote for Clara. She smiled, such a kind smile. Her first word came the other day, you'll never guess what it is...try. Oh how I wish you could see her. Your smiles are so alike, and when I look in her eyes, i see a reflection of you. Sometimes its tough for me to look at her, because I want to cry for she is not you, but only a part of you.
My heart skips a beat every time I find one of your letters on the floor by my front door. I wait everyday by the window for as long as possible, until something, always something, takes me away. They always come when I'm not looking, so one time I even tried to spend the day not looking only to see if one will show up. Alas they come like clockwork.
I yearn for your touch. Your skin so soft, your lips supple, kissable. Everything on you is kissable, but you already know that. I miss spending days kissing your skin, following your shape with my nose, smelling your smell. Nothing to worry about.
Earlier this week I learned that your brother has gotten into university. I bet your parents are ecstatic. Such an amazing young man. Much like everyone in his family...
One day soon I will see you. I count the days that we have been apart and hope that you find what it is you're looking for.
Please tell me more about the hot air balloons. I find it thrilling.
Love
Lilou
I read aloud the little story that you wrote for Clara. She smiled, such a kind smile. Her first word came the other day, you'll never guess what it is...try. Oh how I wish you could see her. Your smiles are so alike, and when I look in her eyes, i see a reflection of you. Sometimes its tough for me to look at her, because I want to cry for she is not you, but only a part of you.
My heart skips a beat every time I find one of your letters on the floor by my front door. I wait everyday by the window for as long as possible, until something, always something, takes me away. They always come when I'm not looking, so one time I even tried to spend the day not looking only to see if one will show up. Alas they come like clockwork.
I yearn for your touch. Your skin so soft, your lips supple, kissable. Everything on you is kissable, but you already know that. I miss spending days kissing your skin, following your shape with my nose, smelling your smell. Nothing to worry about.
Earlier this week I learned that your brother has gotten into university. I bet your parents are ecstatic. Such an amazing young man. Much like everyone in his family...
One day soon I will see you. I count the days that we have been apart and hope that you find what it is you're looking for.
Please tell me more about the hot air balloons. I find it thrilling.
Love
Lilou
Monday, January 23, 2012
Love Letters To Linda
Dearest Linda.
Your last letter came when I needed it most.
My love for you is strong even as you are in another part of the world. The very thought of you makes my heart beat. I do not know when you'll be back. But I know that no matter where you are, you're in my heart with me.
There is a song that keeps coming on the radio that makes me think of the nights and days that we spent with one another. Life will never be the same as it was before we met. My life has forever changed as I know yours has too.
The sun shines through the window onto the pillows where we used to lay reading our books. The smell of our love still fills the air. Sometimes its hard to breathe in such an amazing scent. Every night I wish you well as you're on your journey.
Please thank your aunt for the pictures. I placed them on the wall beside my bed so that I can see them when I awake from a night of dreams.
Patiently awaiting your reply.
Lilou
Your last letter came when I needed it most.
My love for you is strong even as you are in another part of the world. The very thought of you makes my heart beat. I do not know when you'll be back. But I know that no matter where you are, you're in my heart with me.
There is a song that keeps coming on the radio that makes me think of the nights and days that we spent with one another. Life will never be the same as it was before we met. My life has forever changed as I know yours has too.
The sun shines through the window onto the pillows where we used to lay reading our books. The smell of our love still fills the air. Sometimes its hard to breathe in such an amazing scent. Every night I wish you well as you're on your journey.
Please thank your aunt for the pictures. I placed them on the wall beside my bed so that I can see them when I awake from a night of dreams.
Patiently awaiting your reply.
Lilou
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Tom waits is true love
For anyone who knows who Tom Waits is...who he truly is..you wouldn't just connect him with the hoarse booze sounded man using a megaphone in front of a microphone. The Tom waits i'm talking about is the one that makes me Love.
Think of this song when you're feeling. I forgot how powerful it is.
enjoy this song loved ones
The evening fell just like a star
Left a trail behind
You spit as you slammed out the door
If this is love we're crazy
As we fight like cats and dogs
But I just know there's got to be more
So please call me, baby
Wherever you are
It's too cold to be out walking in the streets
We do crazy things when we're wounded
Everyone's a bit insane
I don't want you catching your death of cold
Out walking in the rain
And I admit that I ain't no angel
I admit that I ain't no saint
I'm selfish and I'm cruel but you're blind
If I exorcise my devils
Well my angels may leave too
When they leave they're so hard to find
And we're always at each other's throats
You know it drives me up the wall
But most of the time I'm just blowing off steam
And I wish to God you'd leave me
Baby I wish to God you'd stay
Life's so different than it is in your dreams
Think of this song when you're feeling. I forgot how powerful it is.
enjoy this song loved ones
The evening fell just like a star
Left a trail behind
You spit as you slammed out the door
If this is love we're crazy
As we fight like cats and dogs
But I just know there's got to be more
So please call me, baby
Wherever you are
It's too cold to be out walking in the streets
We do crazy things when we're wounded
Everyone's a bit insane
I don't want you catching your death of cold
Out walking in the rain
And I admit that I ain't no angel
I admit that I ain't no saint
I'm selfish and I'm cruel but you're blind
If I exorcise my devils
Well my angels may leave too
When they leave they're so hard to find
And we're always at each other's throats
You know it drives me up the wall
But most of the time I'm just blowing off steam
And I wish to God you'd leave me
Baby I wish to God you'd stay
Life's so different than it is in your dreams
12 Steps to Happiness
Hello
Now. I've been on this journey. Like most of you. And I've decided to go out on a limb here and try to create steps to happiness...I know 12 doesn't seem that large of a number. But we're gonna use that as our title.
I'm going to feel whats in my heart.
issue one: My atmosphere is dull and yet bright. The walls are a pale yellow. There isn't enough good light...Its a cold kind of warm.
Solution 1: I'm going to go up the street to the hardware store(with my grandma cart) and buy some new warmer light bulbs and some nice white paint. Brushes and all other...included. Why do you think I have the basket? DONE!
Yes!!! Lets get happy!!!! OH YEAH FECK YEAH!
Now. I've been on this journey. Like most of you. And I've decided to go out on a limb here and try to create steps to happiness...I know 12 doesn't seem that large of a number. But we're gonna use that as our title.
I'm going to feel whats in my heart.
issue one: My atmosphere is dull and yet bright. The walls are a pale yellow. There isn't enough good light...Its a cold kind of warm.
Solution 1: I'm going to go up the street to the hardware store(with my grandma cart) and buy some new warmer light bulbs and some nice white paint. Brushes and all other...included. Why do you think I have the basket? DONE!
Yes!!! Lets get happy!!!! OH YEAH FECK YEAH!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
My sweat
So i'm finding something out. I do not drink enough water. Of course! i already knew that. but its probably why I stink. Sick. I smell like everything i've ever eaten.
Drink water. Because if you don't...you wont. its gross.
Drink water. Because if you don't...you wont. its gross.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
The lost art of compasion
Good morning. Wow what a sleep. very very heavy!
I've been reading a lot as of late. Books that I've never really enjoyed before now. Spiritual self help books. The other day I spent a lot of time in indigo books reading book after book in order to find the perfect one for me in that present moment. I FOUND ONE.
It was as if it just popped out of the shelf and called my name. The Lost Art of Compassion. Such a wonderful book full of so much information. It joins the western psychology with tibetan buddhism. If you were to read this book. Which I suggest you do, you would read about such things as Compassionate vision, cultivating compassion, which talk about things like, mourning the living and ourselves. It also shows us how to overcome our fears of such things as death by recognizing that each day is a new day where we didn't die in our sleep. It allows us to lose a part of what could be called our ego because we learn our impermanence.
"In the moments when we think about how we may die today, we are letting go of the fears that hide near the core of the ego. Recall that our calcifications were born of overwhelming fear in childhood. Ordinarily, we live with an underlying sense of fear that has been part of the ego since it began. By consciously breaking through our rocky illusions of solid permanence, we start each day by facing our fears and resolving to live fearlessly. Ordinarily we live driven by compulsive desires, but here we resolve to live consciously with awareness and compassion. Ordinarily, we live our days with an unconscious belief that we're permanent, in control, and terribly important. Here, we begin the day with an awareness that we're a fragile piece of an ever-changing network of interdependent relationships. We begin the day by letting go of rigidity and desire, opening ourselves up to life, to intimacy, and to love...As the momentum of your positive awareness grows, you may find yourself starting to wake up some days like Scrooge on Christmas morning after his dream-vision of his own death, when he clasped his own chest, shouted with joy at finding himself alive, and leaped up from bed to begin sharing all that he had and all that he was with others...If we spend time engaging in these exercises, facing our own impermanence, then such recognition will dawn more and more, and we'll find ourselves approaching each day with compassionate vitality."
"The practice of cultivating a mind that is free from attachment, aversion, and indifference, particularly in relation to other people, is sometimes described as developing equanimity or even-mindedness. Some people mistakenly assume that developing equanimity means becoming indifferent toward everything. They think that even-mindedness entails not caring about anything, but this is totally wrong. Even-mindedness means being free from indifference as well as from attachment and aversion. Even-mindedness means that you can help another person cross the river without becoming attached to that person; it means that you care about everything..."
"Once you've looked at an issue in your life and analyzed just what self-centered dynamic is causing you suffering, the next step is to change things. Changing old habits always takes some sustained effort. So it's important that you've done the earlier steps well, analyzing the issue so that you deeply understand why change is worth the effort. Once your motivation is firm, any old pattern can be changed. Old habits gain their momentum because we've thought, felt, and behaved that way over and over in the past. Such patterns are not inherent parts of us; they CAN be changed. Once we've gotten started, each bit of effort that we put into changing gives momentum to a new and healthier pattern.."
I have not yet finished the book. But I was able to flip through and find that it is a very inspirational piece of work. Something that I am excited to finish reading. The very fact that I myself have lost the art of Compassion is a terrible thought, but I know through reading this book that it is possible. It also shares with us that we will not be able to snap out of it right away. It may take years, but by working one day at a time we should be able to reset our ways, which are heavily cemented in our brains creating unconscious patterns.
Oh my GOODNESS.
I do love this book. I suggest you read it.
I've been reading a lot as of late. Books that I've never really enjoyed before now. Spiritual self help books. The other day I spent a lot of time in indigo books reading book after book in order to find the perfect one for me in that present moment. I FOUND ONE.
It was as if it just popped out of the shelf and called my name. The Lost Art of Compassion. Such a wonderful book full of so much information. It joins the western psychology with tibetan buddhism. If you were to read this book. Which I suggest you do, you would read about such things as Compassionate vision, cultivating compassion, which talk about things like, mourning the living and ourselves. It also shows us how to overcome our fears of such things as death by recognizing that each day is a new day where we didn't die in our sleep. It allows us to lose a part of what could be called our ego because we learn our impermanence.
"In the moments when we think about how we may die today, we are letting go of the fears that hide near the core of the ego. Recall that our calcifications were born of overwhelming fear in childhood. Ordinarily, we live with an underlying sense of fear that has been part of the ego since it began. By consciously breaking through our rocky illusions of solid permanence, we start each day by facing our fears and resolving to live fearlessly. Ordinarily we live driven by compulsive desires, but here we resolve to live consciously with awareness and compassion. Ordinarily, we live our days with an unconscious belief that we're permanent, in control, and terribly important. Here, we begin the day with an awareness that we're a fragile piece of an ever-changing network of interdependent relationships. We begin the day by letting go of rigidity and desire, opening ourselves up to life, to intimacy, and to love...As the momentum of your positive awareness grows, you may find yourself starting to wake up some days like Scrooge on Christmas morning after his dream-vision of his own death, when he clasped his own chest, shouted with joy at finding himself alive, and leaped up from bed to begin sharing all that he had and all that he was with others...If we spend time engaging in these exercises, facing our own impermanence, then such recognition will dawn more and more, and we'll find ourselves approaching each day with compassionate vitality."
"The practice of cultivating a mind that is free from attachment, aversion, and indifference, particularly in relation to other people, is sometimes described as developing equanimity or even-mindedness. Some people mistakenly assume that developing equanimity means becoming indifferent toward everything. They think that even-mindedness entails not caring about anything, but this is totally wrong. Even-mindedness means being free from indifference as well as from attachment and aversion. Even-mindedness means that you can help another person cross the river without becoming attached to that person; it means that you care about everything..."
"Once you've looked at an issue in your life and analyzed just what self-centered dynamic is causing you suffering, the next step is to change things. Changing old habits always takes some sustained effort. So it's important that you've done the earlier steps well, analyzing the issue so that you deeply understand why change is worth the effort. Once your motivation is firm, any old pattern can be changed. Old habits gain their momentum because we've thought, felt, and behaved that way over and over in the past. Such patterns are not inherent parts of us; they CAN be changed. Once we've gotten started, each bit of effort that we put into changing gives momentum to a new and healthier pattern.."
I have not yet finished the book. But I was able to flip through and find that it is a very inspirational piece of work. Something that I am excited to finish reading. The very fact that I myself have lost the art of Compassion is a terrible thought, but I know through reading this book that it is possible. It also shares with us that we will not be able to snap out of it right away. It may take years, but by working one day at a time we should be able to reset our ways, which are heavily cemented in our brains creating unconscious patterns.
Oh my GOODNESS.
I do love this book. I suggest you read it.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Quote
"Your heart is open enough to break yet wise enough to know that if it breaks, it is only because it wants to learn how to love at a deeper level"
The earth says hello
Wow. What happened last night? I only had two drinks...but i feel haggard.
I found a new trick for my hats. They get a little itchy as if they're made of wool. Which they are not. So my forehead, which is already quite itchy, gets itchier. Electrical tape. it works amazingly.
I got to dress up last night and go out. It was really fun. I looked effin hot that is for sure. How do i know that? i got three phone numbers. All gay men...but so what!!! ha. I may have even found myself a job right here by my own apartment.
Since my facebook deactivation. Which is a wonderful gift that i have given myself. Something that I think everyone should give themselves. And whats great about it is, I haven't even wanted to activate it then deactivate it again. just so i can scope things out. SIGH. I'm moving on up in the mental world.
So I've become a twatter on twitter. I have my regular twits accounts with my name and such. But i've become someone else as well. @twigandboat. If you've ever read any of my older posts on here you may have read a story about twiggy and the boat. A story of two kindred spirits. Two hearts that beat as one. A love that will last a lifetime...only because twiggy and the boat will never have sex. or the boat will sink and the twig will break. soul mates aren't supposed to have sex. Thats the verdict. Well its going to be an adventure. I'm trying to express myself without any reason to. I'm trying to find happiness in the little things that surround me. Like my recent posts have been about gay boys. ha. Because i'm finally realizing that they're much nicer than women. ha. Of course. I've always loved the straight boys, but i think its time to branch out.
so. watch me play with my twat on the twit. ha. sick. I"m trying to get people to follow me...but They may have no reason to so far...we shall see. we shall see. I think cool things will come up soon enough.
love you all. which is me. Thanks for listening. I actually keep writing long posts with horrible things to say...but then I snap out of it. because i have nothing mean to say about anyone.
I found a new trick for my hats. They get a little itchy as if they're made of wool. Which they are not. So my forehead, which is already quite itchy, gets itchier. Electrical tape. it works amazingly.
I got to dress up last night and go out. It was really fun. I looked effin hot that is for sure. How do i know that? i got three phone numbers. All gay men...but so what!!! ha. I may have even found myself a job right here by my own apartment.
Since my facebook deactivation. Which is a wonderful gift that i have given myself. Something that I think everyone should give themselves. And whats great about it is, I haven't even wanted to activate it then deactivate it again. just so i can scope things out. SIGH. I'm moving on up in the mental world.
So I've become a twatter on twitter. I have my regular twits accounts with my name and such. But i've become someone else as well. @twigandboat. If you've ever read any of my older posts on here you may have read a story about twiggy and the boat. A story of two kindred spirits. Two hearts that beat as one. A love that will last a lifetime...only because twiggy and the boat will never have sex. or the boat will sink and the twig will break. soul mates aren't supposed to have sex. Thats the verdict. Well its going to be an adventure. I'm trying to express myself without any reason to. I'm trying to find happiness in the little things that surround me. Like my recent posts have been about gay boys. ha. Because i'm finally realizing that they're much nicer than women. ha. Of course. I've always loved the straight boys, but i think its time to branch out.
so. watch me play with my twat on the twit. ha. sick. I"m trying to get people to follow me...but They may have no reason to so far...we shall see. we shall see. I think cool things will come up soon enough.
love you all. which is me. Thanks for listening. I actually keep writing long posts with horrible things to say...but then I snap out of it. because i have nothing mean to say about anyone.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Reality check
So.
I got a little upset there for a moment. This is really my blog. TRUE that. I've been upset recently and its been a very interesting ride. Its the first time in my life that i haven't searched for much external relief in instant gratification. Although i have my friends whom have been amazing. I haven't used drugs, alcohol or sex in a negative way in order to feel something other than what i'm feeling. Its nice. So hard. But nice.
Recently I've been feeling like I've mourned the loss of someone. But in reality i've been mourning the loss of myself. My heart beats for love and light and I began to ignore that and started to resent the actual phrase love and light. I was losing it. My eyes no longer shined, my heart no longer pounded for no reason but to love. I wasn't me.
I talked to my good friend today. A mother, healer, my love. She is my love. We are love. Although she moved to toronto without me knowing it. She's still here to talk with me. See I didn't even know that one of my best healing support was gone. I was so blinded by a reality that no longer serves me.
Sigh. Today after yoga was tough. i felt drained. I felt heavy. I gave too much of myself, and I kept on giving. I slept when i got home and woke up balling my eyes out. Realizing that i'm slowly trying to close my heart off. For fear of getting hurt again. But thats the wrong thing to do. The complete wrong thing to do. I need to open it wider. Its arms need to enjoy group hugs more often. Life is to be lived and its short. I'm not going to waste it mourning the loss of anyone but myself.
Wow. I thank all the people whom have been there for me in the last while. I know what you see in me now. I'm relearning to see it to. I'm a creative soul and I need to fly high. SIGH.
I'm going to get the book. The war of art. I have to read it and write a book report and send it to my love out east. so exciting. so excited!
ok. thanks for listening. This helps so much. I'm off to therapy. ha. another support. I'm an advocate for a type of support that isn't a repeat of addiction and one that doesn't fill the void of losing something or someone. Friends you're mine now, but I'm standing on my own,)
I got a little upset there for a moment. This is really my blog. TRUE that. I've been upset recently and its been a very interesting ride. Its the first time in my life that i haven't searched for much external relief in instant gratification. Although i have my friends whom have been amazing. I haven't used drugs, alcohol or sex in a negative way in order to feel something other than what i'm feeling. Its nice. So hard. But nice.
Recently I've been feeling like I've mourned the loss of someone. But in reality i've been mourning the loss of myself. My heart beats for love and light and I began to ignore that and started to resent the actual phrase love and light. I was losing it. My eyes no longer shined, my heart no longer pounded for no reason but to love. I wasn't me.
I talked to my good friend today. A mother, healer, my love. She is my love. We are love. Although she moved to toronto without me knowing it. She's still here to talk with me. See I didn't even know that one of my best healing support was gone. I was so blinded by a reality that no longer serves me.
Sigh. Today after yoga was tough. i felt drained. I felt heavy. I gave too much of myself, and I kept on giving. I slept when i got home and woke up balling my eyes out. Realizing that i'm slowly trying to close my heart off. For fear of getting hurt again. But thats the wrong thing to do. The complete wrong thing to do. I need to open it wider. Its arms need to enjoy group hugs more often. Life is to be lived and its short. I'm not going to waste it mourning the loss of anyone but myself.
Wow. I thank all the people whom have been there for me in the last while. I know what you see in me now. I'm relearning to see it to. I'm a creative soul and I need to fly high. SIGH.
I'm going to get the book. The war of art. I have to read it and write a book report and send it to my love out east. so exciting. so excited!
ok. thanks for listening. This helps so much. I'm off to therapy. ha. another support. I'm an advocate for a type of support that isn't a repeat of addiction and one that doesn't fill the void of losing something or someone. Friends you're mine now, but I'm standing on my own,)
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Moving on
gut feelings dont lie
I'm going to be using another blog now. sorry anonymous.
thanks for your time. but you're not doing me any good.
I'm going to be using another blog now. sorry anonymous.
thanks for your time. but you're not doing me any good.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Out with the boys
Living in the present. Hanging with the boys.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Going to Tumblr...
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Going to Tumblr...
Friday, January 13, 2012
The night is young.
Today was a new day. I had a choice. A choice to learn what I needed to say. Learn the stuff that would help me grow. Ask the questions that were unanswered. May have been forever before I learned the truth which in and of itself is a form of holding onto someone. Not communicating.
I shared my weakness by not letting go. Things were hard to accept when you're left unwatered, you dont have a chance to grow.
I killed a plant. It was a sign. A sign of happiness outside our mind. We hide from sadness in one another. Only to find we've lost each other.
Tomorrow is a new day, with distance and space. The space to breathe the air that couldn't be faced.
Although it meant pushing. I was already pushed to the edge. I needed some solid ground to learn how to turn around.
Us meant two people. Not one. Think of all the fun. The times that were clear we were meant to be near.
Now we are not. That is ok. The talk had to be had. Its our future, our way.
I'm sad. Extremely. But I'm happy. I'm happy to say. I'm happy for you, please love yourself and find your way.
Please don't stop loving yourself.
bye
I shared my weakness by not letting go. Things were hard to accept when you're left unwatered, you dont have a chance to grow.
I killed a plant. It was a sign. A sign of happiness outside our mind. We hide from sadness in one another. Only to find we've lost each other.
Tomorrow is a new day, with distance and space. The space to breathe the air that couldn't be faced.
Although it meant pushing. I was already pushed to the edge. I needed some solid ground to learn how to turn around.
Us meant two people. Not one. Think of all the fun. The times that were clear we were meant to be near.
Now we are not. That is ok. The talk had to be had. Its our future, our way.
I'm sad. Extremely. But I'm happy. I'm happy to say. I'm happy for you, please love yourself and find your way.
Please don't stop loving yourself.
bye
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
First night
I love this song.
Burial - Archangel
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong
It's not why I trust you trust if I trust you
If I trust you if I trust you if I trust you
If I trust you if I trust you if I trust you
If I trust you trust
Tell me I belong
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong
Holding you holding you holding you
Burial - Archangel
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong
It's not why I trust you trust if I trust you
If I trust you if I trust you if I trust you
If I trust you if I trust you if I trust you
If I trust you trust
Tell me I belong
Holding you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Loving you
Couldn't be alone couldn't be alone couldn't be alone
Kissing you
Tell me I belong tell me I belong tell me I belong
Holding you holding you holding you
Morning
The way to keep a healthy happy mind is to do things. HA. whodda thunk.
I have to try to stop rhyming. It started yesterday on my last post. But its crazy to think in rhymes all the time. Although fun. its a bit much. but yesterday was just one of those days.
Today its yoga early am. After I was finally able to sleep last night. I am up early and on my way to yoga. yessss
Then I'm leaving on a jet plane. Dont know when I"ll be back again. But i'll be here ready to pounce thats a matter of fact. Just South on a road so windy and dry where the sea splashes up to the sky.
ok.
If anyone is listening...doesn't really matter. thanks for being a great outlet. Tori Amos.
love
I have to try to stop rhyming. It started yesterday on my last post. But its crazy to think in rhymes all the time. Although fun. its a bit much. but yesterday was just one of those days.
Today its yoga early am. After I was finally able to sleep last night. I am up early and on my way to yoga. yessss
Then I'm leaving on a jet plane. Dont know when I"ll be back again. But i'll be here ready to pounce thats a matter of fact. Just South on a road so windy and dry where the sea splashes up to the sky.
ok.
If anyone is listening...doesn't really matter. thanks for being a great outlet. Tori Amos.
love
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
You treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
I tried to say
To not consume me in that way
I don't want to see my fears in you
No way.
Future is important
But our present is today
You are my love my only
Forgive me for being so gay
When I wake I think of you
You and only you
Clearly I'm madly
In love with you
I chose my life
I chose my way
Let me have a chance
Let me have a say
I'm never letting go
Of something so great
You can have your time
Oh but I will wait
Today is the day
That I am going away
For fear of bringing out
Something you'll never let stay
I wish and pray
That you'll let me in one day
Maybe not tomorrow
But maybe in some way
What we shared is real
It's something that can last
Although we struggle for independence
We must forgive our past
You are my shadow
My reflection so clear
When I dont see you
I know you are near
I love me
To not consume me in that way
I don't want to see my fears in you
No way.
Future is important
But our present is today
You are my love my only
Forgive me for being so gay
When I wake I think of you
You and only you
Clearly I'm madly
In love with you
I chose my life
I chose my way
Let me have a chance
Let me have a say
I'm never letting go
Of something so great
You can have your time
Oh but I will wait
Today is the day
That I am going away
For fear of bringing out
Something you'll never let stay
I wish and pray
That you'll let me in one day
Maybe not tomorrow
But maybe in some way
What we shared is real
It's something that can last
Although we struggle for independence
We must forgive our past
You are my shadow
My reflection so clear
When I dont see you
I know you are near
I love me
Debussy: suite bergamasque, L75 - clair de lune
Smile. For life is a gift. Love is a treat and companionship is a meal. Feed your soul. Rest your eyes. I believe.
Recently communication has been breaking down all around me. For months it never existed. In so many people's lives. Then we're left standing in the middle of a desert listening to Debussy or goreki's symphony #3- opus 36. Imagine a helicopter shot, circling a young girl. Her hand extended, a tear falling from her eye.
She holds a key in her left hand and a book in the right. Leave her alone, something tells you. The book has a drawing on it. You are drawn to the book. The book opens to show the subconscious past, a place where all your trauma and fears lie. A place of reminders, a strong powerful place, you've never been able to express.
You want to protect the girl. Take her from this place, hold her tight and tell her not to cry. Feed her soul...but you're afraid. Because she holds the key, the past, your fears. You walk away only to find yourself in the same place you came from, only you're the only one standing in the desert alive. bodies surround you with bleeding hearts. They look familiar to you, people you know, they just lay there. Abandoned, much like yourself. Nobody to heal their bleeding hearts.
Turn. Run as fast as you can. Faster and faster. Until a voice stops you and tells you it will be alright. I've been in your shoes. You sigh. You're not alone. As the years go on you end up standing in front of the child again. Scared, fearful, alone. The child opens her arms to welcome you. You run.
Recently communication has been breaking down all around me. For months it never existed. In so many people's lives. Then we're left standing in the middle of a desert listening to Debussy or goreki's symphony #3- opus 36. Imagine a helicopter shot, circling a young girl. Her hand extended, a tear falling from her eye.
She holds a key in her left hand and a book in the right. Leave her alone, something tells you. The book has a drawing on it. You are drawn to the book. The book opens to show the subconscious past, a place where all your trauma and fears lie. A place of reminders, a strong powerful place, you've never been able to express.
You want to protect the girl. Take her from this place, hold her tight and tell her not to cry. Feed her soul...but you're afraid. Because she holds the key, the past, your fears. You walk away only to find yourself in the same place you came from, only you're the only one standing in the desert alive. bodies surround you with bleeding hearts. They look familiar to you, people you know, they just lay there. Abandoned, much like yourself. Nobody to heal their bleeding hearts.
Turn. Run as fast as you can. Faster and faster. Until a voice stops you and tells you it will be alright. I've been in your shoes. You sigh. You're not alone. As the years go on you end up standing in front of the child again. Scared, fearful, alone. The child opens her arms to welcome you. You run.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Life is changing. Its wonderful.
So i've been looking through one of my writing books. I tend to not finish a book before i start another. So i always have to go back and fill it in again...ahhhh. I came across one piece of writing that I remember writing so well. I dont remember why I wrote it. but it is exactly what i need right now. EXACTLY!
Check it out.
When you've lived with addiction, you learn some skills that set you apart. You learn to cover your ass. You learn to keep drugs close for strengthening purposes. You learn to recognize human behaviour. Never shut things off or shut someone out.
Remember human behaviour and know you can't change what we are. human. Recognize what is ours and only ours, and keep the bad from affecting others. Know you can't bring others into your hate, anger or security blanket. Even if they are willing. Its not fair. Its not fair to keep someone close on your own terms. You're only hurting them and in the end your terms wont be met.
Be honest. Show people who you are and who you could be. Good and bad. The ones with love will take that and work with it beside you to overcome or achieve. The ones with fear will push you away not understanding that being human is what makes you who you are. They will also keep you around maybe for a sense of control, for lack of a better word.
The ones with hate will throw you out. No matter how much you love them or they love you. You're not alive to them. No matter if you're a good person. They aren't human. But we're all human;)
be happy with who you are and what you've got. Even if you dont have anything there is a chance you could lose it.
Weird is a term often used to disregard. Forgetting to understand and educate.
Education is key. Life, books, school, death, drugs, hate, love, fear. Are all ways to learn. Learn what you will tolerate and challenge those limits.
Recognize hate and remove it from your actions.
Sharing is caring. Never hide from what you are, who you are or what you've done. Remember other peoples limits, respect and challenge them.
Dont sit by and let people hurt others. Stand up for the ones who nee help and can't help themselves. Its a sad world where people get cast aside. In this world, "Survival of the fittest." be the fittest and help the unfit.
Make goals. Achieve goals. Break goals. Only to figure out you can make more.
Believe in yourself and others. Trust everyone and no one. Except the people that are closest to you that you want to push away. They deserve your trust because they out of anyone have something you need to believe.
Selfishness is good and bad. Find the good and roll with it.
Everything is a contradiction when you understand. Don't not understand. You always know.
We are people and no one is any less important. Race, sex, sexual orientation, age, choices...are not good reasons to project hate and cause even more fear in the world.
Well there you go. Relevant at any point. especially now.
Thanks for writing this long time ago self.
Check it out.
When you've lived with addiction, you learn some skills that set you apart. You learn to cover your ass. You learn to keep drugs close for strengthening purposes. You learn to recognize human behaviour. Never shut things off or shut someone out.
Remember human behaviour and know you can't change what we are. human. Recognize what is ours and only ours, and keep the bad from affecting others. Know you can't bring others into your hate, anger or security blanket. Even if they are willing. Its not fair. Its not fair to keep someone close on your own terms. You're only hurting them and in the end your terms wont be met.
Be honest. Show people who you are and who you could be. Good and bad. The ones with love will take that and work with it beside you to overcome or achieve. The ones with fear will push you away not understanding that being human is what makes you who you are. They will also keep you around maybe for a sense of control, for lack of a better word.
The ones with hate will throw you out. No matter how much you love them or they love you. You're not alive to them. No matter if you're a good person. They aren't human. But we're all human;)
be happy with who you are and what you've got. Even if you dont have anything there is a chance you could lose it.
Weird is a term often used to disregard. Forgetting to understand and educate.
Education is key. Life, books, school, death, drugs, hate, love, fear. Are all ways to learn. Learn what you will tolerate and challenge those limits.
Recognize hate and remove it from your actions.
Sharing is caring. Never hide from what you are, who you are or what you've done. Remember other peoples limits, respect and challenge them.
Dont sit by and let people hurt others. Stand up for the ones who nee help and can't help themselves. Its a sad world where people get cast aside. In this world, "Survival of the fittest." be the fittest and help the unfit.
Make goals. Achieve goals. Break goals. Only to figure out you can make more.
Believe in yourself and others. Trust everyone and no one. Except the people that are closest to you that you want to push away. They deserve your trust because they out of anyone have something you need to believe.
Selfishness is good and bad. Find the good and roll with it.
Everything is a contradiction when you understand. Don't not understand. You always know.
We are people and no one is any less important. Race, sex, sexual orientation, age, choices...are not good reasons to project hate and cause even more fear in the world.
Well there you go. Relevant at any point. especially now.
Thanks for writing this long time ago self.
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